


Into your arms

by Key0110



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst, Biphobia, Cigarettes, Compulsory Heterosexuality, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Racism, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, POV Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Troublemaker Dean Winchester, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27795418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Key0110/pseuds/Key0110
Summary: John didn’t always drink like this, well, Dean was sure it wasn’t like this when his mom was still alive. Dean desperately tried to remember how she sounded and looked but it was ages ago, as he got older the harder it got to picture her face. John didn’t keep pictures up around the house which was for the best because when he saw them, he got angry and got mean. Dean gets into a lot of fights at school, and realizes that he may be in love with the kid from English class.
Relationships: Billie (Supernatural: Form and Void)/Benny Lafitte, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Donna Hanscum/Jody Mills, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Pamela Barnes/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 34





	1. Blue-eyed boy

John didn’t always drink like this, well, Dean was sure it wasn’t like this when his mom was still alive. Dean desperately tried to remember how she sounded and looked but it was ages ago, as he got older the harder it got to picture her face. John didn’t keep pictures up around the house which was for the best because when he saw them, he got angry and got mean. But since then, I guess john did drink like this. He was constantly disappearing, sometimes for weeks on end, but his boys almost preferred it. Because at least then they weren’t being bitched at and kicked around. But this meant that dean never got to be a kid, since he can remember he's been taking care of Sammy or John, wiping his puke up off the floor and cleaning up broken glass. But he could never bring himself to run away, who would keep john and Sam from killing each other? It didn’t matter, even though john was a mean Son of a bitch, dean idolized him, he did what he was told and stayed out of the way. But Sammy, he had a mouth on him, which got him into trouble with their dad and when it did, dean always took the brunt of it. But none of this matters, because nobody knew but them. 

It was fall, and Dean lay in his room face up, just staring at the ceiling. He was thinking of where he’d rather be, boots crunching on the gravel of a backwoods road a stream bubbling just past the tree line. He'd run his hands along the bark of the trees as he wandered into the woods before crouching at the bed of the creek. Watching the crawdads dart back and forth beneath the current. Dean is startled back to reality as he hears the front door slam shut. He glances over at his nightstand, alarm clock showing 3:27 in bright green numbers. Dad was back. 

Dean made a silent prayer that John would pass out before he got to the hallway. He listened to the breeze blow into his room and rustle his posters, ears strained listening for footsteps outside his door, but they never came. So, he slumped back on his pillow and waited for morning. 

“Wake up Sammy, we’re leaving in fifteen” to this Sam groaned and threw a pillow at where he heard deans voice at the doorway. He was already shooting up like a weed and had the sarcastic bite of a 60-year-old even though he was all of fourteen, a freshman this year. Dean shut his door gently and crept past John asleep in the living room to sit quietly on the porch. He instinctively felt for his back pocket, for a pack of cigarettes that he kept on him. He wouldn’t say he was addicted but he knew he always smoked a bit more when John was back, Sammy didn’t talk to him for a week when he found out about it. So, Dean made sure he didn’t find them again. But Sam wasn’t dumb. 

He rolled his fingers over his knuckles and twisted his ring, listening to the birds chirp awake in the cool air. He brushed a hand over his face and got up to start the car. 

“Dean- are you even listening to me?” Jo hissed under her breath. 

“What? Oh yea, you’re havin’ a thing out by the old bridge this weekend, right?” 

“Oh, he has ears!” She replied, a little too loudly. 

“Joanna, is there something you’d like to add on the subject of Walt Whitman?” Ms. Warren, always bitter that she got stuck with not just Dean Winchester, but also Jo Harvelle. Jo wasn’t a bad student, just chatty and always getting into trouble for her smart mouth. 

Dean saw someone out of the corner of his eye, a kid no taller than 5’7 staring at him with these big blue eyes. The second he noticed Dean watching his face turned red and his head shot down to his textbook. Dean had seen him around before but never really noticed him, Carl... Cam... C-something... Castiel. He watched as Cas made himself busy with looking everywhere but Deans direction and flipping quickly through his textbook to keep up with Ms. Warren. Whose attention had drifted back onto the chalkboard and away from Jo, who quietly resumed her task of talking Dean’s ear off. 

“...most of our class will be, and Benny said he’ll come, and then I had to pester Pam into coming for like a week. So, you’d better be there. Or Else!” Ms. Warren shot Jo a discouraging look, and Dean nodded along to her plans. At least Benny’d be there. 

The bell rang and Dean watched as Cas quickly shoved his books in his bookbag and hurried out into the hallway. Huh. 

“Jo, is there gonna be booze or what?” 

“Obviously, I'm not green to all this. I can swipe some from the bar, shouldn’t be too hard. 

“Heh, you gonna have Ash cover your ass for this one too?” Dean smirked, she still owed Ash more than he could imagine. “My dad’s back,” Jo quieted to this; eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll probably be able to get to the bridge though, just have to barricade Sam in his room.” He laughed and threw his bookbag over his shoulder, waving her away. 

He saw Castiel four more times that week, each time he’d duck away into the shadows. He must be following me, Dean thought, he remembered some of the rumors about that kid that went around school when they were freshmen, and grimaced. 

Friday finally came, little to no problems, until now. Dean and Sam walked in the door and John was immediately on their asses, bitching at them for leaving the back door unlocked, as though they had anything worth stealing, and the water had been shut off. Dean shoved Sam into the hallway as John’s fist swung at the nearest body landing in Deans stomach before his cheekbone, sending white pain through his left eye. John shoved him around like that for a few minutes before Dean shook him away and bolted to his room, throwing his back against the door behind him. John still yelling about Dean running away like a bitch, and how they were good-for-nothing pieces of shit. 

Sam had long since made it to his room and locked the door, he knew the drill. Dean’s hand went up to his left eye and winced when he found it starting to swell. He dug through his drawers for a mirror and turned his face to see, he looked like shit.  
He flopped onto his bed and tried to sleep to pass the time before Jo told him to get to the old bridge.

Dean’s clock buzzed eight pm, he groaned and rolled out of bed. He lifted his window and threw his legs out, sliding out and into the backyard, where he shut it quietly behind him. Leaving it cracked enough to get back in without waking anyone up. If he got busted for this there’d be hell to pay. He tapped lightly on Sam's window. His head popping up through the curtains. 

“Heya Sammy, I'm heading out. I figure I won't be back till late.” 

“Jo again?” Dean nodded, “Why don’t you two just date already?” Pushing his too-long hair out of the way. 

“What?! It’s not like that Sam, we’re just friends.” 

Sam shrugged, “Someone better tell her that then.” 

“Just stay in your room and try to stay out of Dad’s way.” Dean shook his head and walked towards the corner, just out of view of his house, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. 

Benny pulled up not long after, in his beat up chevy 84’, he hadn’t had it long but there were distinct dents in the front bumper, from a rogue deer he and Dean hit while goofing off one night. And from pulling too far forward at the drive in, hitting a pissed off Mrs. Rourkes minivan, and embarrassing the hell out of Billie. Dean opened the door with a creak and threw his cigarette to the street, and they skirted off. 

“Hey man, you alright?” Benny knew without asking what had happened to his eye, his old man was hardly better, never physical but man he threw a fit when he started dating Billie. 

“I’ll live.” Dean ran his hand over his jaw, “How many people did Jo invite this time?” 

“Hopefully not too many, my old man went crazy when he had to drag my sorry ass out of jail last time. I thought I’d never get let out of the house after that.” Benny slowed to the curves of the countryside and swerved to avoid a possum. 

“I think she said somethin’ about most of the class saying they’d make it, though there ain’t no telling.” They chatted on about how it’s a miracle that Ellen hasn’t busted her yet before pulling up to the old bridge and into the grass where at least a dozen trucks and cars had been parked. A fire pit lit up ahead. The duo hopped out of the truck, Jo jogged up and threw her hands up to clap the guys on the shoulders and pull them off into the group and music. 

The beat bumped as the kids filled their cups and started the weekend off right. Dean filled his cup with more jack than coke and joined his gang of friends, turning his head quickly when he saw a familiar face with blue eyes duck off into the growing crowd. Donna and Jody walked up together when they saw Jo, Benny, Billie and Dean grouped off around the fire pit. Benny tossing his empty bottle into the pit and Billie elbowing him and whispering in his ear, making him smirk and wink at Dean. 

By the time people are starting to get rowdy, Benny and Billie had disappeared off towards the cars, and Donna and Jody hadn’t realized that they were the only ones in their conversation and were talking so fast it made Dean’s head spin. The more his eye pulsed, the more he drank. Jo nudged his side and Dean saw him almost as fast as she did, Gordon. He always had trouble with Dean. And more often than not, for no reason. They always picked fights with each other, at this point it was almost instinct to save up all their frustration with their lives and take it out on the other, but tonight was not the night. 

“Winchester, nice shiner.” Gordon chuckled, popping his knuckles. 

“Not today Gordon.” 

“What, are you scared of getting beat to hell?” His body tensed up; you could tell he’d been waiting for this. “scared you won’t be able to see me well enough to land a punch?” His deep voice quieting the surrounding teens to watch. 

Jo quickly noticed how this bad idea was going downhill fast and put herself in between the boys. “Get out of here Gordon.” 

“What? You gonna let your bitch stand up for you?” You could see the flicker of doubt, when he made eye-contact with Dean. Dean had too much to drink, and his fight with his father (or rather being his father's punching bag for the afternoon) had him all strung up. Dean pushed Jo aside and hit first, landing a punch to Gordon’s stomach. The other boy's jaw clenched, trying to not throw up. But he barely hesitated and lunged back at Dean. Dean was taking it out on Gordon, all of it, tackling him to the ground and hitting anywhere he could reach. Not that Gordon wasn’t getting any in, Dean would have bruises for sure. Quickly, Jo realized that Gordon had his fists covering his face, expecting Dean to wear out, but he didn’t, he kept going. Out of the corner of his eye Dean saw Benny run up, followed by a panicked looking Garth, and they threw themselves on Dean hauling him off Gordon who started punching the second he wasn’t pinned, and a few other guys pulled him off towards the trucks. Dean was seeing white and his head was spinning from adrenaline and alcohol. 

“What the hell were you doing?!” Benny looked pissed and grabbed Dean’s face to make him pay attention. “You know better than to do that right now, what the hell were you thinking?” 

“I wasn’t.” From behind Benny, Dean could see those blue eyes, watching him. And he felt shame hot on his neck. Castiel was watching from next to a group of older guys, a few his brothers, and some underclassmen. 

“You stupid son of a bitch, what did you do now?” Pam. She pushed Benny out of the way and pressed a cold rag against Deans face. 

“Is this covered in beer?” He could smell beer on the rag and noticed it was less of a rag and more of an old T-shirt from her car. 

“Well, baby this isn't a doctor's office if you couldn’t tell, you dumbass.” She pressed it gingerly to his eyebrow, as he winced he noticed Jo looking pissed off and muttering something to Billie. He looked back at Pam; her hazel eyes focused on the cuts on his face, careful to not hit his eye that was turning a disgusting shade of purple. 

After the fight, people began to dissipate, it was nearing twilight anyway. He saw Cas glance over his shoulder quickly as one of his brothers, Gabriel elbowed him and pulled him into their car. He avoided thinking about the disappointment on Cas’s face, he didn’t know Dean, he had no right. Dean scowled and turned back to talk to Pam, making sure to compliment her and lean closer.


	2. The Flower Field

“You sure you're going to be able to get back in okay?” Benny asked over Billie, she sat between the two, throwing a concerned look at Dean. “We can wait a minute if you can’t.” 

“Nah.” Dean focused on not slurring his words, “I'll be fine,” and he cursed under his breath as he tripped getting out of the truck, not making a very compelling Case. “Seriously, go.” Dean waved them off. He watched as they pulled off into the night and set off toward his house. He knocked on Sam’s window twice to let him know he made it back and wandered to the backside of the house, dropping himself to sit on the back step. Fumbling with his back pocket, he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, flicking it. 

His bloody and freckled face illuminated, and he inhaled deeply. His mind wandered to the blue-eyed boy he’d been seeing everywhere, at least that’s how it seemed. He thought about when he looked at Dean from beneath furrowed eyebrows. He thought about his pale face flushed with heat in English class. And he remembered the rumors from freshman year. Dean shook his head and wiped his hand over his face, forgetting the cuts and swelling eye, wincing at the bolt of pain it sent through his head, creating the dull throb of a migraine that the fading liquor didn’t help. He guessed it was nearly one in the morning and he would definitely be feeling tonight in the morning. 

He shrugged off his jacket and threw down his cigarette, stepping on it and pulling himself off the stoop. Dean slid his window up and let himself onto the floor gently, shutting it behind him. He didn’t even take his boots off and he fell asleep thinking about the blue-eyed boy without meaning to. 

Saturday morning went by quickly, partly because Dean didn't wake up till two pm, to Sam shaking him awake. 

“Dean?” Sam pushed his shoulder, noticing the fresh cuts on his face and knuckles. “Dean, he’s gone.” 

“Huh?” He forced his eyelids open and saw Sam looking at Dean's face and hands. “I’m fine.” He didn’t wait for Sam to ask, “Where’s he at Sammy?” 

“Don’t know. Where were you last night?” 

“Old Bridge, with Benny and them.” Dean groaned and ran his fingers through his hair, seeing the blood on his pillow, “Got in a fight.” 

“No shit.” Sam left and came back with a damp washcloth, throwing it at Dean. “We need groceries.” 

By Monday, John had returned. He picked up hours at the mechanics sometimes and it looked like that kind of week. He didn’t mention Deans face or where he was at, John never thought he owed them any explanation. Dean scrounged up some eggs and bacon for breakfast, they seemed almost normal. John grabbed a plate and ate in silence while the boys packed up for school and headed out. 

“Dean, why do you always got to get in fights? You look like shit.” 

“You’re one to talk, mountain man.” Sam’s hair was almost to his shoulders and it was driving Dean up the wall. “Seriously, don’t be surprised if you wake up with a buzz-cut" Making Sam groan. 

Dean pushed Sam into his first period and shoved his hands in his pockets, not caring about the other kids glancing at his face in the hallway. He hardly noticed anymore, and they were hardly surprised. Even the freshmen were mostly unfazed by Dean walking into the school looking like he had been mauled by a bear, and Gordon wasn’t much worse off than himself. Dean saw Castiel in the hallway, facing his locker, digging something out of the bottom. Dean watched the way his shoulders moved, and dark hair curled where his collar met his neck. Cas started to turn, feeling eyes on him, and Dean looked away, searching for Pamela in the crowded hall. 

“Hiya beautiful,” Pam chuckled to herself, putting a hand gingerly on Deans face, “Did you even try to ice it?” She rolled her eyes. 

“It’s fine,” Dean pushed her hair behind her ear and leaned in, “In fact I’m great, thanks to you.” 

“God, don’t you have anything smoother than that?” But she smiled anyway before heading off to class. He finally set off to first period, leaning back in his chair waiting for Jo to come. Even though she could be a pain in the ass, she was still one of his best friends, and she looked out for him. His train of thought was interrupted when Cas walked in and they saw each other. Cas quickly tore his eyes from Dean’s and hurried to sit down. It was still early and not many other students had come in, it was just them and a handful of girls at the front of class chittering excitedly about the Fall Formal. Dean watched Cas pull his notes out and set them aside before pulling out a notebook and scribbling something that Dean couldn’t see from where he sat. He noticed the way the other's shirt drooped down when he slouched over to write, exposing his collarbones and a thin golden crucifix. The second Dean realized what he was looking at, his eyes snapped back to his desk, and he worked on a groove with his nail. 

“Hey Dean,” He could sense the tone of bitterness in Jo’s voice, “God, you look even worse in these lights.” 

“Thanks,” Dean couldn’t help but scoff, “Your mom notice the missing booze?” 

“Oh my god! Thank fuck for Ash, he covered my ass and said he forgot to order more.” She received a disapproving look from Ms. Warren for her language, but she dived right into the lesson once the bell rang. All class, Deans eyes glided over to where Cas sat, watching him flip through his notes and answer Ms. Warrens question on poets of the 20th century or something. His eyes flicking between his notes and the board and making a point to not look in Deans direction. It didn’t take Jo long to notice that Dean was out of it. 

“Hey,” she butted into his view. “What’s over there that so important?” Dean, suddenly very aware of where he was looking, turned to face Jo. 

“Nothing, just zoned out.” Which wasn’t a lie. “Did you see Gordon?” 

“Haha, everyone from here to Westborough High saw him.” She shook her head, “You really beat the shit out of him. I guess it was only fair that he got a few punches in.” Dean thought to himself, she Is pretty, but not my type. Jo has blonde hair and talks too much for him to stand. He thought about Sam’s comment on Jo liking Dean. It wasn’t a mystery to him, he wasn’t completely oblivious, but he had never thought of her like that, he supposed that he could if he tried. He twisted his ring and tuned out Ms. Warren’s lesson, it didn’t really matter at this point, he was only here because seniors were required to have an English credit. There were plenty of kids like him, waiting to finish high school barely passing and work at the mechanics, or some even had ins with some local electricians. These were the hands-on kids, better with their hands than they ever were with their brains. Dean was by no means stupid, school was just never a priority, he had bigger things to deal with and better things to do. 

After class he saw Benny in the hall, Billie’s arms around his neck. Rare is the moment they are apart. 

“Man, if I have to sit through one more class with Garth poking the back of my head with his pencil I swear to god.” Benny slid his hand around Billie's waist and turned to talk to Dean, “How was the wonderful world of English?” 

“Amazing, a blast as usual.” He says deadpan. “Thank fuck Warren only calls on people who care.” 

“Do you guys want to meet at Donna’s? I think her parents just installed a tv in their basement, she said keep it small though.” 

“Nah, I got stuff to do at the house.” Dean was internally making a list of shit to do. The rest of the school day was as long as it was boring. 

By Thursday Dean’s eye was almost presentable, the purple had faded into a light green. Most of his cuts were healing up, and he looked less like he was inches from death. He hadn’t seen Cas at school today, which was odd because he rarely missed school. Dean told himself he wasn’t seeking him out or looking for him but when Cas was around, he found his eyes settled on the boy. Dean ran a hand over his face and looked for Pam after the final bell rang. 

“Hey Pam,” Her head turned at Dean’s voice, away from her conversation with Donna. “Can I borrow her?” Donna shrugged and waved them away, fidgeting with her keychain before hopping in her truck to start it. His hand grazed Pam’s elbow and pulled her away. 

“What is it?” She perked an eyebrow up and her eyes ran over his face, landing at his fading bruise. 

“I, uh, do you want to go out to the drive in this weekend?” They'd been practically dating for the longest time, they just never got around to being official. This was better for both of them. 

“Thought you’d never ask.” She smiled softly pushing his shoulder and turned to leave, “Saturday at 6?” 

“Saturday, 6.” He echoed. 

Dean walked along the gravel road, hands in his pockets. Not walking anywhere in particular, just to get out of the house. Sun falling quickly behind the tree line to his left. There was a flower field up ahead, of course they’d be starting to die off about now. He saw something dark in the field and strained his eyes to see what the hell it was. It was a person. Stopping, Dean let out a breath of air he didn't know he had been holding. Cas. He had a tan windbreaker on and sat criss cross in the flower field, his back to Dean. Dean hesitated, “Fuck.” It’d be like he was avoiding Cas if he turned around but maybe he had time before he was seen. His feet betrayed him and kept of walking forward, letting his boots crunch the gravel to announce himself. He could pretend that he didn’t see Castiel. 

“Hello Dean.” Cas’s voice was deeper and rougher than he remembered, and it sent a wave of anxiety through Dean. 

“Uh, hey,” In his pocket, his fingers reached instinctively for his ring. “sorry, didn’t know you were out here.” 

“Yes.” Cas turned his back to Dean and stared straight ahead, “I was just watching the bees.” What the fuck? Dean wasn’t scared of bees, but he had no desire to hang around them. Cas turned and saw the hesitation in his face and waved him over. “They won’t sting you; I promise.” 

Stepping gently over the flowers, Dean settled himself next to the other boy, noticing the closeness a little more uncomfortably than he would prefer. He scooted away a few inches and saw Cas glance down at his hands. 

Dean cleared his throat, “So,” heat crowded the back of his neck, he glanced over his shoulder. “What’s up with you and bees?” 

“They are fascinating,” he started, before going off onto a tangent about them. Talking excitedly about how interconnected they are, and how intricate the process is for them to create honey, and the queen’s role in the hive. Dean watches his face, and his eyes fall to Cas’s lips, which are moving quickly to keep up with his mind. He watches him like this until he notices Cas has stopped suddenly, eyes wide and blue as the chlorine pools of the summer. Deans mouth dries up and he notices how close they are, only inches apart. For the second time this evening, Dean’s body betrays him. Leaning in, until they are breathing the Same air, Castiel’s blue eyes wide with terror and cheeks flush. Dean stops. Suddenly very aware of what he is doing, and where he is at, and practically launches himself backwards onto his feet. 

“What the fuck?!” Dean yells it too loud. Startled, Cas jumps to his feet but trips, stumbling backwards onto his ass. 

“I didn’t do anything!” Cas whispers defensively. 

“I ain’t a queer!” Dean says, digging his nails into the flesh of his hands, backing up. Cas’s hands shoot up to cover his face, waiting for Dean to start swinging. But he didn’t. “Stay the hell away from me. Or you’ll be worse off than Gordon.” 

Dean knew this was his fault, he turned and tried to stop himself from sprinting all the way home, he couldn’t go there right now, so he instead ran to the train tracks.


	3. Keep Your Mouth Shut

The next few days passed in a blur; Dean regretted the way he spoke to Castiel. Nothing even happened. And Dean was with Pam anyway, he was straight. Other people could be, like that. But not me. He thought to himself, remembering all the times John had used it as an insult and drilled it into them that those kinds of people were messed up. Dean ran his hands through his hair and sat up in his bed. The water had been turned on again, so he figured he could get a shower in before he had to get Pam at 6. Benny was letting him borrow the truck, thank Christ, Dean loved his dad’s car, but hell would freeze over before he could take it to a drive in. “I know what those heathens do at drive ins, I was a stupid kid once too.” Is what John would say. So, he rolled out of bed and jumped into the shower. Feeling the warm water hit his chest, he put his face under the water. His freckles were fading from the fall sun, it was something he always liked about his appearance. Before too long, the water started running cold and Dean ran his fingers through his hair to rinse the soap out and shut the water off. 

Spiking his hair up with some gel, he said goodbye to Sam, and set off for Benny’s. Benny only lived a block away, so it was never too long of a walk. But nothing in this town was too long of a walk unless you lived out in the countryside, Jody and Garth both lived out in the boonies. Their parents working their land and their mothers selling at the farmers market every Saturday morning. 

“Hey Dean!” Benny called from his garage, his dad grunting at the weight he was holding because of Benny letting one hand free to wave him over. The two let the engine down gently onto the garage floor and Benny’s dad mumbled something about heading inside to grab a beer. “You’re picking her up at six, right?” 

“Yea, I’m not too sure her dad will like me being the one to pick her up, but it's been months, I reckon he’ll have to get over it.” Dean knew he drove too fast and played his music too loud, but Pam didn’t seem to mind. 

“Eh, he’ll warm up by the time y’all start popping out kids... maybe.” He chuckled, but Dean did not. He just shoved his hands in his pockets and pulled on a piece of string, threading it between his fingers. 

“Yea,” he doubted he’d be the one to tie Pam down, she wouldn’t have minded settling down with him, and he knew it. But then he’d be stuck here forever. “That’ll be the day.” 

The steady rumble of the engine buzzed through Dean’s hands and he pulled up to the curb to let Pamela in. Her top blowing loosely in the wind, Dean could see her dad staring through the curtains, glaring at the truck and the hooligan in it. Dean smiled and turned up his music, giving Pam a peck when she got in. The drive in was 30 minutes outside of town, the pair sang along sloppily to an old cassette of Zeppelin hits that Benny hadn’t used since Dean gifted it to him in ‘95. Pamela’s fingers flowed lazily in the wind, watching the countryside speed past. 

They pulled up to a good spot in the center of the parking lot and tuned the radio station to the starting movie. They were playing Scream, since Halloween was creeping closer. Lots of couples cuddled up beneath blankets, munching popcorn and trying to ignore the dropouts revving their engines near the back. Dean had his arm hooked around Pam's shoulders and her head rested on his chest. He liked Pam, she is beautiful, and likes his music. She doesn’t even seem to mind when he picks fights he can't win. 

Around ten thirty, both movies had finished, and all the kids had begun clearing out, girls fixing their shirts and guys throwing their trash out as they left. Pam and Dean were no exception, but Dean had been distracted today, and Pam could tell. They drove off and Dean thought about Cas’s dark curls against his collar, he shook his head as they pulled up to Pam’s driveway. 

“See you Monday?” She leaned in for a kiss, but Dean just looked out the window. Pamela planted a kiss on his shoulder and nodded, closing the truck door behind her. He watched her walk in and then pulled off into the night, heading to Benny’s to drop the truck off. 

“Hey man, how’d it go?” Benny grinned, “Wanna come in for a beer?” He stepped aside, letting Dean walk in. 

“Sure man, can’t resist that. And it was fine. I’ve seen Scream about twenty times, and it’s only been out a year. Whoever runs the drive in is obsessed.” They go downstairs into the basement, Benny grabbing some beers from the fridge on the way, and they plop onto the old sofa. “How’s Billie doing?” 

“Ah, she’s fine. She’s pissed that I’m working now, but I bet she’ll regret that when I save us up enough money to get a place.” He had just turned 18 and even though he was still in high school, he was itching to get out of his parents' place. 

“At least you have cable here,” Dean said, flicking on a recorded football game from months ago. The tv was about a million years old and went fuzzy if the volume was too loud but it did the job. “and its free!” 

“Ha, only as long as my dad stops joking about making me pay rent, and actually does it.” He frowned and took a swig of beer. 

Finally, Dean headed home. Kicking a pebble along the pavement and thumbing the lighter in his pocket. Before he even got through his window, he heard the yelling. It was going to be a long night. 

“I hate you!” Sam screamed at his dad, after he ducked into his room and slammed the door, locking it. Dean knew Sammy was alright, and his dad was probably pissed as something stupid, so he ignored it and slumped into his bed. Reaching out, he opened the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a picture of his mother. He had found it in a box of shit in the attic a few months ago and swiped it. Her blonde hair curled delicately to frame her face, her eyes as green as his and her cheeks spotted with his freckles. But Sammy had her nose. John was still throwing shit around and yelling so loud it felt as though the walls would cave in. But they never have before, and they didn’t now. He didn’t remember very much about his mom, just her making him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or rocking Sammy to sleep, but he had been so young when she died that that was the extent of his memory. Sometimes the distain for his life, and the way they were raised got to him, and truth be told, he envied Benny for it. Even though his dad and him didn’t always see eye to eye, they were normal. 

“Shit.” he suddenly remembered the Fall Formal was just around the corner and he hadn’t even mentioned it to Pamela, she wasn’t one for frill and getting all gussied up, but she could dance. Dean’s mind wandered to a million other things before landing on the blue-eyed boy, the way he talked so quickly about the bees. A pang of guilt ran through his gut as he remembered jumping back like he’d been burned. If his father saw them in that field, Dean would be a dead man. 

Dean shot up. What the hell was he thinking? He didn’t know why Cas irked him so bad. He ran his hands over his face, rolled over, and tried not to think at all. 

“Dean, I’m going to church with Jess.” Sam poked his head in Deans room, whose face was only illuminated by the gap in the curtain of a window that was still open. “You’re gonna get sick.” He walked over and shut it loudly, making Dean groan and roll over. “Did you even hear me?” Dean mumbled a yes, and buried his head into his pillow, half of which was still filthy with blood from his fight. 

“Church?” Dean poked his head up, eyeing his little brother. “What are you a Christian now?” 

“No, I don’t know. Jess invited me and I’m going, just letting you know.” He frowned and shut the door on his way out. 

Dean tossed and turned for a few more hours before getting up and going for a smoke. The cool autumn air crisp against his cheeks, making them pink. He took a long drag and started walking. He got a cruel thought in his head and jogged into the drugstore, dropping his cigarette outside the door. He grabbed a jar of mayonnaise and dropped a ten on the counter. 

“And a pack of smokes too.” He pointed at the shelves behind the register. The cashier didn’t even look up from his magazine, tossed the pack onto the counter and punched it in. 

Pocketing the cigarettes and mayonnaise in hand, he headed back home. John had already left, working overtime at the mechanics to keep the lights and gas on. Especially with winter rolling in. Dean emptied Sam’s toothpaste container into the trash and filled it back up with the mayonnaise. Snickering the whole time and sticking it back in the bathroom. He startled, hearing Sam open the front door and drop his crap at the dinner table. 

“Dean?” He shouts into the quiet house, “Anyone home?” Dean jumped out of the bathroom scaring Sam half to death, and busts out laughing. “Not funny.” 

“How was church Romeo?” throwing a wink Sam’s way. 

“I don’t know! It was fine I guess!” Dean could tell Sam liked Jess and he’d teased him about it all year, about Sam not having the balls to ask her out after 7 months of following her around like a puppy. 

Monday morning, Dean got to first period early, hoping to catch Cas before people started funneling in. Dean sat for twenty minutes, digging his nail into the groove in his desk. Instinctively, Dean went to reach for his back pocket before stopping himself, you can’t just light one up in class. He twisted his ring and ran his hands over his face, it was two till and Cas still hadn’t come in. Shit, he thought to himself, Castiel’s probably told half the school by now. He’ll have told them all and his friends will stop talking to him and his dad will find out, if he hasn’t already. Jo sat down beside him, with more energy than anyone should have on a Monday morning. She had begun to talk about Billie and how she had a thing, and how excited they were for the formal. She went on and on about how the girls would probably go as a group. He had hoped that hearing her drone on and on would distract him, but no go. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about how much of the school thought he was a queer. If the people in this class thought so, they didn’t let on. Cas finally walked in, right as the bell rang, as if he knew and went out of his way to avoid Dean. Dean glanced his way all class, seeing the smaller kid ignore Dean. Though he scribbled furiously in his notebook. Dean tapped his foot nervously and twisted his ring. After class he went to head over to where Cas sat but Ms. Warren had other plans. He waved Jo ahead to not wait for him. 

“Dean Winchester. I can turn my head when you are looking everywhere but the board, but you’re fidgeting like a crackhead looking to score.” She shuffled some papers across her desk, “Do I need to be concerned?” 

“What? Oh, no.” He glanced nervously at the door where Castiel had left. “I just have some things on my mind is all. Uh I gotta go.” Before she could protest, he had practically fled the room. 

Dean looked frantically around the busy hallway, searching for a head of dark curly hair. He didn’t see Cas until lunch block, and Dean left Jody mid-sentence to corner Cas. Jody was pissed at his disregard for her time but threw up her hands and walked to sit with the rest of their friends. 

“Hey, can I talk to you?” Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled him out to the hallway, not leaving him room to escape. Castiel’s eyes were wide with almost a fear, not unlike how he looked in the field. Dean looked away. “So, listen to me,” Dean glanced around nervously at the other students as they walked past the duo, heading into the cafeteria. “I don’t know what you think happened but it’s not like that. I didn’t do anything wrong. So, if you told someone something that didn’t even happen then I swear to God.” He scowled at Cas, not realizing that he still had the other boy by the wrist. 

“What? I didn’t tell anyone anything.” Cas said, his free hand reaching for his crucifix. “There was nothing to tell. And anyways, do you think anyone would believe me about something like this, especially against your word?” He shook Deans hand off him, he looked briefly from Dean’s lips to his eyes. They swirled green with golden flecks, almost seeming hurt when Cas backed up. 

Dean ripped his eyes away from Cas’s and ran a hand over his face and let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He ran his hand through his hair and walked back into the cafeteria, glancing over his shoulder. Dean watched him lean against the wall and put his head in his hands. He almost regretted bringing it up, now that he thought about it, Cas would be just as bad off for saying anything.


	4. The Night Air

Sam never mentioned the mayonnaise toothpaste, which was never a good sign. Dean was constantly pushing doors open before walking through, waiting for something to fall on him, testing everything before using it, and he never let Sammy make the food. Waiting for something to go wrong was worse than it going wrong. Dean was so paranoid all week, but not just for Sam getting him back. He knew that it made no sense for Cas to tell anyone, and it wasn’t like anything had happened, but nonetheless he still worried. 

John had left on Tuesday, not leaving cash for food. The boys didn’t care, they had payed most of the bills for the month. They didn’t always know where John went, but he always came back. Like a roach. 

All week Dean felt eyes on him, Castiel watching him, as though looking for something. Dean wasn’t entirely innocent though. Without even realizing it he watched the way Cas moved, how his crucifix hung against his chest, and how his dark hair curled against the back of his collar. Without even realizing, he had been thinking about him. 

Saturday evening, two loud honks blare from the street, scaring the shit out of Dean and making him jump. He walked over to the front window and pulled the curtains aside. Jo and Garth sat outside in her old beater, honking once more and having seen him in the window, Garth pressed his face up against the window making a stupid face. Dean scoffed and grabbed a flannel, jogging out to the car. He set his arm against the roof of the car as Jo rolled the window down. He could hear the bickering as it rolled down. 

“You better not have gotten your drool all over my window, I swear!” Jo pushed Garth, making him grab Dean’s shirt by the collar. 

“Help me, help me!” Garth feigned desperation and pretended to grasp for a way out of the car window, earning him an elbow to the ribs. “Jesus.” He groaned. 

“Are you ready or what?” She leaned over Garth. 

“For...?” He must've missed a conversation in English, till it clicked. “Oh shit! That was today?” It was a party at Billie’s, only their friends would be there. Her parents had left town for the weekend, to go see her older sister at college. Pamela would be there too; they had talked about going to the Fall Formal, so Dean guessed that had finished the discussion. He knew she was pulling away, but he didn’t mind, because he felt he was too. 

He hopped in the backseat, behind Garth, groaning when Jo turned on top 40. Billie lived just across town in a nice neighborhood, loosely jumbled between Main Street and the river. By the time they got there, their group had already arrived, except for Jody and Donna. They always seemed to show up a bit later than the rest of them. 

Inside, Billie had the stereo set up with loud music, and kitchen stocked with food, small gathering my ass. Billie had her arms draped loosely around Benny’s neck, moving with the music. And of course, Ash never failed to disappoint, carrying in a few bottles of liquor. Not far behind him was Jody and Donna, each with a pair of six packs from Ash’s trunk. 

“Dean!” Pamela appeared from the kitchen, soda in hand. “I thought you’d never make it.” She brushed her fingers through Dean’s hair and kissed him on the mouth, his hand glided down to her waist. 

“Hey, are we cool?” He spoke under his breath so that only she could hear, “Are you mad at me?” 

She shook her head, “I couldn’t stay mad at you, you’re too pretty for that.” Garth made retching noises to that and grabbed a beer from Donna. Before long, more people started to trickle in, some kids from school, and a few from the neighborhood. Among which were a few people Dean recognized, and two of Cas’s brothers, Gabriel and Zach. Everyone knew that Luce was in prison on god knows how many charges, but Gabriel, everyone liked him. Dean waited, looking past the two, half-expecting Castiel to follow them in but he didn’t. 

The night crept by, and the teenagers got drunker and drunker. Dean had been chasing his liquor with beer and stepped out onto the porch, music muted behind the front door. He took a deep breath of the cool night air and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it quickly before the breeze could blow it out. He sucked in and held it before blowing the smoke out through his teeth. Narrowly avoiding tripping down the front steps, he stumbled down the road, vaguely aware of where he was headed. He stopped a few houses down, in front of an old looking house with blue shutters and unkempt bushes. Dean wandered aimlessly around to the back of the house, falling onto the back step and catching himself with his hands, now bleeding. Straightening himself out he reached to knock on the back door, but it swung open. 

Cas stopped in his place, trash bag in hand. Shocked, he pushed Dean into the yard, nearly sending him falling into the grass, he dropped the garbage bag and pulled the door shut behind him. 

“What do you want?” He eyed the stub of a cigarette hanging loosely from Deans lips. 

“I er- I was around, figured I’d swing by.” He flicked his cigarette butt to the ground and swayed as he talked. 

“Are you drunk?” Cas pinched the bridge of his nose and repeated, “What do you want?” 

Dean was suddenly very aware of his state of mind, he hadn’t thought this far ahead. “Uh...” He looked around helplessly, trying to find a reason to stay. Dean had no idea why he came here, but he looked at Cas and was at a loss for words. 

Before he could find the words, Dean had pushed Castiel up against the brick wall and leaned in close, barely an inch separating them. Cas’s breath hitched in his throat, waiting for Dean to make a move one way or another. Letting his hands settle at Castiel’s hips, Dean’s eyes drank him in. Dark hair tousled and jaw tilted forward, anticipating, it was too much for him to take in his intoxicated state. Dean kept him pinned to the wall and tilted his face into Cas’s neck, his breath hot on the other’s neck. The November air crisp and cool, but they didn’t notice. Dean looked up, searching for those blue eyes but they sere closed shut. His eyes drifted down to Cas’s lips, and he kissed him hard. Their lips clashed, and Cas’s hand grabbed at Dean’s shirt, pulling him closer. 

As abruptly as it started, Dean pulled back, his head spinning. He took a few steps back and then threw up in the grass. Cas stood against the brick, wiped his hands on his jeans and reached out to Dean. Who was still busy throwing up the contents of his stomach. He set a hand softly on Dean’s back, with more gentleness than Dean had expected. He finished and stood up shakily, shrugging Cas’s hand off his back. In a sudden wave of clarity, he put as much distance as he could between them. His feet pounded against the pavement, and ignored Cas calling for him. He didn’t stop running till he got to the train tracks that ran perpendicular to Main Street. 

Even though he was covered in sweat, his hands were bloody and numb from the cold. He collapsed into the leaves, letting his arms fall to his sides. The tracks, only a few feet away. The night’s events hitting Dean in waves. One second, he was moving to the music in Billie’s house, and the next thing he knew… his breath stopped in his throat and he felt the urge to throw up again. Which he did until he could only dry heave. If he hadn’t started drinking at six, he would have said he had no more alcohol in his system, but his head buzzed and pulsed, telling him otherwise. 

“Fuck.” Was all Dean could say. He probably sat there for hours, the earth and leaves warming from his body heat. Hopefully, he wouldn’t remember in the morning, but he knew better than to be so hopeful. Climbing to his feet, Dean pushed himself up sending a sharp pain through his palms. There were eight semi-circle markings, breaking the skin alongside the concrete scrapes from Cas’s back porch. Had he been clenching his fists this whole time? Dean tottered the whole way home and thanked god when he saw his father’s car not in the driveway. He stumbled around back, and pushed his window open lazily before falling to his bedroom floor. 

The alarm clock on his nightstand read four in the morning, and Dean decided to shower, to get the grime of tonight off him. He peeled his muddy and leaf strewn clothes off and dumped them onto the bathroom floor, his broad freckled shoulders bare in the moon-lit bathroom. He didn’t bother turning on the light. Without testing his soap for tampering, he washed up, the soaps burning his cut hands. 

Dean awoke the next morning, head throbbing painfully and throat sore from throwing up. He ran his hands over his face and pulled them out in front of him to examine the damage. The nail marks had dried blood caked in them and the concrete scrapes had lost a layer of skin. Rustling in the kitchen let him know that Sammy was awake. He groaned and stretched as he pulled himself out of bed, landing on his feet and running his hands through his hair. Fuck. Remembering last night, he slumped back to his bed. His hands gripping at Cas’s hips, pulling him closer until they were breathing the same air. Fuck! He had kissed him didn’t he. Dean couldn’t even say it wasn’t his fault, he had pushed the other up against the wall. He tried to shake the image of Cas’s eyes shut tight, waiting for Dean. Grabbing a hoodie and throwing it over his head. He left his room. 

“Good morning.” Sam called over his shoulder, waiting for the toast to finish. “When did you get in last night?” 

“Around four I think.” He didn’t wait for a response and headed out the front door, already reaching for a cigarette. After last night, he earned it. The bitter smoke filled his lungs, warming him up against the morning air. He stooped to sit on the porch, setting his elbows on his knees and sticking his head down. 

Before long, Pamela pulled up to the house. Shit, Pamela. He didn’t even wait for her to start yelling, he knew she was pissed. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She said, slamming the car door behind her. “Where did you disappear to? We drove around looking for you!” Dean didn’t even bother getting a word in edgewise. “You could’ve been dead in a ditch somewhere! You didn’t even tell us you were leaving. If you had too much to drink and wanted to go home, you could’ve said so.” Dean stood up and kissed her. 

“I’m sorry, I was wasted, and I walked back home.” He looked into her eyes, and then away guiltily. “You guys were still having fun, didn’t want to break the mood.” 

“I know. I just didn’t…” She glanced up at his hair, as if just noticing. “What did you do to your hair?” 

“What?” He ran his fingers through it and wheeled around, looking at his reflection in the window. “FUCK!” Staring back at him, slack-jawed was a boy with bleach-blonde hair. He whipped the front door open and ran after Sam, who darted past him for the front door, pushing past Pamela and snickering the whole way. 

“Sammy, I’ll fucking kill you!” In his moment of distraction and drunkenness, he had forgotten to check his shampoo. “God-dammit!”


	5. Can I Have This Dance?

Benny busted out laughing on Monday morning when Dean showed up. “Dude! Your fucking hair!” Dean had tried to get the bleach out, but anyone who has bleached their hair would know, that shit doesn’t come out. He finally gave up, but when he walked into school, he regretted it immediately. 

“Hey there Timberlake!” Pamela called, snickering behind her hand. Dean threw up his hands and started to walk away, “Aw he’s going Bye Bye Bye!” Which earned a roaring laugh from their group, as they were huddled around the lockers. The teasing let up after a few days, and the bleached hair didn’t look so bad on him. At least that’s what Pam said. Cas had seen him in English and smirked at Dean’s new hair color. This made Dean frown, he tried to ignore him but every time his eyes wandered, they landed on Cas. Convinced that he did it because he was drunk and thought it was Pamela, Dean shoved down any conscious thoughts of Cas’s body or the way it moved, or the way his eyes bored into him as if he was lying. It made his stomach lurch. 

The Formal was this Thursday, why it was on a Thursday only the student council knew. But Dean had seen a picture of Pam’s dress and she had gotten him a pale blue tie to match. She wasn’t one to dress up but when she did, she was beautiful. They had all decided to eat at Ellsworth’s in town before, and head there in as few cars as possible. That afternoon, after school, Dean went home and tried to style his blonde hair and settled with spiking it up at the front. He couldn’t get his fucking tie to work though. 

Sam walked out of his room, suit just a little too big, and had a green tie to match Jess’s dress. Dean grinned proudly at his little brother. 

“Do you need help with your tie?” Sam asked, reaching out to tie it securely and popped Dean’s collar down. “There, now you look like a gentleman.” 

“And you,” Dean fixed a stray piece of lint, “Are you and Jess eating somewhere?” 

“Yea, I am going over to her house for dinner and then her mom will drop us off.” 

“Do you need a lift?” Dean offered, knowing full and well Pam wouldn’t have a whole lot of room to spare in her car because Donna and Jody were catching a ride with them. 

“Nah, she only lives around the corner. I’ll be fine.” Sam glanced in the mirror before heading out, Dean right behind him, grabbing his suit jacket and locking the door behind them. Pamela had pulled into the driveway and waved at Sam. Who waved back and set off to Jess’s. Dean strutted up to the car and leaned in, giving Pam a kiss before walking around to the passenger side. Donna and Jody sat in the back, talking about Jo and how Garth had the hots for her. They quieted down on the subject when Dean sat down. 

“Well don’t we look nice all dressed up!” Jody said, fixing a stray hair for Donna. 

“Even though Dean’s a blonde,” Pam teased “It looks good.” and planted a kiss on his lips before pulling out towards downtown. 

Ellsworth’s was busy as all hell when they finally got seated. Benny, Billie, Jo, and Garth had met them there, securing the biggest table in the joint. They were all dressed to the nines and the mood was light. Garth kept joking and screwing around and the rest of them chatted away, wondering which songs would be played, if they should meet up after the fact. Dean lazily watched his friends, and Pamela, how her curled hair pooled at her shoulders. She’d swat him gently and look at his tie, which had since veered to the left. 

Around eight, the group began to gather their things and head to the high school, where the parking lot was steadily filling up. Teachers with flashlights directed cars and tapped on windows of kids trying to make out before heading in. Dean had driven on the way, hand firmly on Pamela’s thigh, and she didn’t mind. Until he saw Cas. He was heading into the gym from the parking lot, his younger brother Alfie talking his ear off. Dean pulled his hand away and planted it on the steering wheel, pulling into a spot. 

Inside the gym, kids were swaying with the beat of the music, some gathering around the edges talking with friends. Pam hooked her arm around Dean’s and pulled him into the dance floor moving her hips carelessly to the rhythm. Dean wasn’t a bad dancer, he’d never admit it, but he was pretty good. They moved in sync and he spun her around, twirling her skirt in a hypnotizing view, the glitter reflecting the lights. Just over her shoulder, Dean saw him sitting on the bleachers, drinking deeply from a plastic cup. Cas was tapping his foot to the song and keeping an eye on Alfie, who had managed to get trapped in a circle of other freshmen. Gabriel was there too, making his way through the crowd to dance with Rowena, a transfer from Scotland. But Cas sat under the blue lights, complimenting his eyes as they saw Dean and held his gaze. Dean looked down and held onto Pam by her waist, changing pace when a slow song came on. When he looked back up, the other boy had disappeared. Not long after that, Dean had lost his train of thought, and was looking everywhere but the girl in front of him. 

Pam leaned in, “Hey,” she whispered, “where are you?” As though caught mid-thought, Dean fell out of rhythm and pulled away. 

“I’m fine,” he searched for a reason to step away, “Do you want some punch?” She didn’t have time to do anything but watch him hurry away towards the snack table. She huffed and made her way over to Jo and the girls. 

Dean passed the table of food and reached for the punch, pouring two cups. His feet took him out to the hallway where he saw Cas leaned up against the wall, fiddling around with his crucifix. 

“Uh I didn’t know I’d see you here.” Dean walked over, “I like the, suit.” God, he sounded dumb. 

“Oh, thanks.” Cas looked distantly at his outfit, “And I didn’t figure I had to let you know if I went to a dance at my own school.” 

“Punch?” Dean extended his hand out to Cas, who took the cup and swirled the contents before taking a sip. He licked his lips and took a sip out of his own cup, vaguely aware of a group of girls further down the hall. “Not much of a dancer?” 

“No.” Cas hesitated, “I just came to keep an eye on my little brother. But I see that you are.” This last bit came out accidentally. 

Dean’s face flushed a deep pink and he stumbled over his words. “Oh, uh, thanks, yea I don’t know.” Inside the gym, the song changed songs and Dean remembered Pamela. “I should probably, go.” He waited for a response, maybe for Cas to ask why or ask him to stay, but he just stared into his cup and nodded. He watched Dean walk back into the music, seeing how the suit fit against his shoulders and his light hair spiked in all directions. 

“Did you get lost?” Pam eyed his empty cup, “I thought you were getting punch...?” 

He didn’t meet her eyes and saw that he walked back with only one cup, and he had emptied it out in the hall. “Oh uh, I forgot. Sorry.” He turned to leave again, but she stopped him and lowered her voice so that only he could hear. 

“What has been up with you lately?” She started, “It’s like you’ve been distracted, and it’s been this way for months.” Dean looked around and grabbed her wrist pulling her to a back hallway behind the gym. 

“Nothings wrong, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Bullshit! You know if you don’t want to date, that’s fine. Honestly it is! But then you need to say that.” 

“I don’t know what I want!” He ran his hands over his face. “Okay? I don’t fucking know.” 

“Okay well when you figure it out you let me know because I am sick and tired of worrying about you and when we’re around other people you just turn cold.” 

“Pam wait,” he started. 

“No, Dean. Go figure yourself out, and if you decide you can handle whatever this is. Then we can talk.” She turned on her heel and walked back into the gym. 

“Fuck!” Dean kicked a locker door, denting it. “God dammit, I don’t know what the hell you want from me!” He shouted after her, knowing she couldn’t hear, and knowing exactly what she wanted. Pacing off, he turned and ran right into Gordon. Perfect, just what he needed right now. Dean shoved him away, trying to keep it together but Gordon pushed back. 

“What’s the matter blondie?” Fuck it, Dean threw a punch into Gordons stomach, earning him a fist to the nose, which promptly started bleeding. Gordon threw punch after punch at Dean’s chest and stomach, and Dean hit right back harder. The two were taking all their issues out on each other and Dean hooked his leg behind Gordons sending him toppling to the ground. Fists were flying and they were cursing each other out. Dean got a few more good hits in before the teachers showed up, seeing a few of Gordons friends pulling on Dean’s elbows and pulled the two apart. 

“What is going on here?” The principal’s voice boomed in the hallway, grabbing both boys’ attention. “Detention, both of you, this is a school dance not WWE.” And with that the teachers pulled them in opposite directions. Ms. Warren Pulled Dean off to the side. 

“Winchester, I better see you put a stop to this behavior. And on school property, mind you!” She sighed. “You know we are going to have to call your father for this.” 

“Good luck with that.” He shrugged away, heading out to the parking lot. Shit. Pam had left, there was no way that she would’ve drove him home anyway. Pulling his tie off, Dean saw that his nose was still bleeding, and that he had a trail of blood splotched over the light blue, thankfully it missed his white shirt. He hadn’t seen Sammy, but he reckoned he was busy tripping over Jess’s feet on the dance floor. Blissfully unaware of his older brother bloodied up, as per the usual. He heard steps behind him and darted quickly into the parking lot, thinking it was a teacher. The metal door slammed behind him for a moment and Dean turned to see Cas push it open. He could still hear the music playing faintly behind the other boy. Cas’s eyes examined Dean’s bloody face and he sighed. 

“What the hell happened to you?” 

“None of your business.” Dean turned away and scowled. They weren’t friends, and then he remembered last night. “Go away queer.” 

“Oh really? So that’s the card you’re gonna pull?” Cas shoved Dean, feeling his back beneath his own hands. “I didn’t k…” He lowered his voice, “I wasn’t the one who stumbled onto your back porch and… you know.” Dean felt the hot shame across the back of his neck and spun to catch Cas’s wrist in his hand. 

“Shut it.” 

“What, are you gonna beat me up?” His face got dangerously close to Dean’s, “Do it.” 

Considering it a moment, Dean pushed Cas off of him. “That wasn’t, I’m not like people like you.” He glared at Cas for making him think of him at all. It was his fault. 

“Oh, is that so? Could’ve fooled me!” Cas threw his head back and ran his hand behind his neck. His jaw framed by the parking lot lights, Dean noticed this thought, and acted on it. He shoved Cas hard. 

“I’m not the queer! This is your fault!” He caught Cas by surprise and hit him across the face, a red mark blossoming on his right cheek. “If you hadn’t interfered, I’d still be in there with Pam!” He landed a hit to Cas’s stomach, making him double over. Pulling him up again by the shoulder his left fist connected with his jaw. Cas was doing nothing to fight back, just pulling his arms up to cover his face. “I. Am. Not. Gay.” Each word landing a hit to the other boy who was scrambling to back up, but he tripped over himself and fell, kicking Dean to the gravel. 

“Fuck you Dean!” Cas shouted, and Benny opened the door, seeing the scene before him. Both boys covered in blood and dirt and on their asses. Dean got to his feet and wiped his hands on his pants, the cuts reopened from fighting. Benny grabbed Dean by the arm and hauled him off to the truck, leaving Cas on the ground to regather and watch them leave with a grimace. 

They squealed out of the parking lot and Benny began, “What the hell is wrong with you man? I heard you got into it with Gordon and earned yourself detention for two weeks and then I come find you in the parking lot beating the hell out of an underclassman?” 

“He’s a senior.” Dean mumbled, like that made it better. 

“So? Seriously man, get a fucking grip.” He glanced over at his best friend; face illuminated by the headlights of a passing car. “God you look like shit.” 

“Pam and I got into it.” 

“That doesn’t mean you go and kick the shit out of the two nearest sorry bastards!” Benny shook his head. “I’ll bring Sam home later, go in and clean yourself up.” They pulled up to the curb in front of Dean’s house, and he jumped out, not paying attention to Benny watching him walk up the steps before driving off, back to the school.


	6. The Other Boy

The next morning, Castiel woke up to the sounds of his brothers getting ready for school. He shared a room with Gabriel, who insisted on looking perfect. It was only six thirty, so he put on some running shoes and walked through the busy house. Raph was in the kitchen making something that he couldn’t pronounce, and Zach was sitting on the counter in his work uniform. They were a few years older than Cas and they had taken over head of house things since Luce was sent to prison, and Michael disappeared, not unlike their father. He had left when Cas was just a kid, so he only had his brothers. They took care of each other, but they didn’t always see eye to eye. 

Outside, the sun hadn’t risen yet and the air was still crisp with wind. Before too long, it would be to cold to go for runs in the morning. Cas watched the clouds roll overhead and loosened up his shoulders, feeling the dull ache of a bruise swelling on his chest from last night. His feet pounded against the pavement, passing Billie’s house and turning left towards Eagles Peak, a small lookout over the river. He slowed down as he neared the edge and slumped down, sitting criss cross. The river thrashed quickly below. Cas remembers the previous night, and Dean. He did provoke him, but Dean beat on him more than he expected. He touched his cheek softly where he had been hit, it was still sore but not too swollen or anything. He had a cut on his eyebrow too, but his torso took the brunt of it. Dean had no fucking right to be pissed at Castiel. He didn’t initiate any of it. 

Looking at his watch, the boy stood up, and began jogging back home. He pushed open the front door and made his way to the bathroom to shower, shoving Alfie out. Alfie let out a disgruntled murmur, with a mouth full of toothpaste and gave up. Cas pulled his shirt off, exposing his birth marks on his back, two dark spots on his shoulder blades. He kept thinking of Dean. He had noticed him before this year, but he seemed more trouble than he was worth, after all he turned out to be right. And more so, Cas thought Dean was only into women. Guess he missed that one. But now, he hated him. His stupid anger issues, mean face, and freckles, and green eyes, and even his freshly blonde hair. Cas pushed the image of Dean pinning him against the wall and breathing against his neck from his mind and ran his fingers through his short hair. 

“Hurry up! I need in!” Gabriel yelled from outside the bathroom door, just as Cas opened it. The bus outside honked once and all three boys piled out the front door. Cas and Gabriel made their way to the back, leaving Alfie at the front with the rest of the freshmen. 

“You’re still bleeding.” Gabriel pointed to his eyebrow, “How the hell did you even get tangled up in a fight with Dean Winchester, he’s practically twice your size.” 

“He’s not, he’s only three inches taller, and I’m still growing.” Cas flipped through his bookbag and found his notebook. 

“Still, you didn’t pick a fight with him, right?” Gabriel snapped his fingers in front of Cas’s face to see if he was still listening. 

“Well…” 

“Ah fucks sake. I didn’t realize you were such a bad boy.” Gabriel nudged Cas, almost pushing him into the isle, he gave up on a conversation with his little brother and turned around in his seat to talk to his friends behind them. Cas opened up his notebook, it was filled with sketches and writing. Some poems, and a good sketch of a bee that he was rather proud of. It wasn’t too long before they reached the school and the kids poured out and into the school, some hanging back to meet their friends who drove. Cas just walked in, he saw Hannah waiting for him at his locker. 

“Hi Hannah,” but she stopped him mid-sentence. 

“Woah, what happened to your face?” Her eyes filled with concern, she hadn’t gone to the dance, or seen him since last block yesterday. “Did you get in a fight?” She reached up to inspect his eyebrow, but he swatted her away. 

“More like, became a punching bag, but yea.” Cas shrugged, “It was bound to happen at some point.” 

“Who with?” This made him queasy, she didn’t know about Cas’s lack of attraction to women, just of his lack of attraction to her. 

“Uh, Winchester…” He mumbled, and as if on cue. Dean walked in the doors, sporting two purple eye-bags from getting hit in the nose, and his knuckles were still raw. 

Hannah gasped and turned to Cas quickly, “Did you do that to him? Oh my God I didn’t know,” 

“No, he was like that by the time I got to him.” His eyes were trained on Dean, but he was the only person who was focused on him. Cas watched the way he walked up to his friends and noticed his old leather jacket. Cas liked him, he used to. That was before Dean kicked the shit out of him. 

Cas said goodbye to Hannah and waved at Ezekiel as he passed him in the hall, he walked into first period and tossed his stuff on the floor next to his desk. All class he caught himself staring at Dean, he wouldn’t get caught because Dean was busy looking everywhere but him. He watched how Jo leaned in and spoke quietly to Dean, who hardly ever listened. His mind wandered to his hands pulling on Dean’s shirt, the smell of booze and smoke tangling with the smell of cut grass in his backyard. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Ms. Warren tapped on Cas’s desk, startling him from his daydream. Dean was looking at him now, hiding a smirk behind his hand. 

“No ma’am. Sorry.” He went back to taking notes on this week’s old dead white man who thought he had something interesting to say. 

“Thank fuck it’s Friday.” Gabriel appeared behind him outside of school. “I’m going to the drive in tomorrow, Raph and Zach will be at work most of the weekend I suppose. You and Alfie gonna be okay?” Gabriel was only 10 months older than Cas, but he felt it would be selfish to not make sure it was cool for Cas to keep an eye on their little brother. 

“Yea, we aren’t kids you know. Alfie’s a freshman. And you and I are the same age.” 

“I know, but I was just making sure you didn’t have… plans, or anything.” 

“Gabriel, when was the last time you saw me make plans with someone?” Cas rolled his eyes and walked up to their bus as it pulled up to the school. 

“Alright, alright. But I just figured I’d let you know I’ll probably be coming in late.” Gabriel smirked and winked at Cas who groaned and elbowed him in the ribs. 

Late Saturday night, Cas and Alfie had a movie on, but neither of them was really watching it. And Cas had some homework to do so he settled down at the kitchen table. He rested his head on his hand as he read, but it didn’t take him long to get bored and he started to fall asleep until he heard a tapping on the window. He looked up groggily for the source of the noise, thinking he had imagined it he started to put his stuff away. There it was again; this time he knew he wasn’t hearing stuff. He glanced in the living room, Alfie was just as bad off as he was, snoozing on the couch. So, he tiptoed to the back door, pulling the curtain aside. It was Dean. Castiel held back a groan, as to not wake up his brother in the other room. He unlatched the door and stood half out, shocked by the cold. 

“Hey.” Dean stood in the grass, hands in his pockets and cheeks rosy from the cold. 

“What do you mean ‘hey’?” Cas retreated to the kitchen, grabbing a jacket and then stepped out onto the porch. “What do you want?” 

“I just wanted to come by and apologize.” Cas doesn’t think he’s ever heard Dean sound so small. He crossed his arms and waited, but Dean seemed dumbfounded by having to say more than that. 

“Okay… I’m sorry. For uh,” 

“Beating the shit out of me?” 

“Yea, well no, I’m sorry for everything.” Dean’s eyes were glued to his feet and Cas felt a pang of guilt. He looked at how Dean’s freckles decorated his face, spattered carefully across his cheeks and nose. 

“You don’t have to apologize for everything,” He didn’t mean to say it, but he meant it, so he kept going. “It wasn’t all, uh painful.” Dean looked up and raised an eyebrow. His breath coming out in clouds, “Do you want to come in or something?” 

“I probably shouldn’t.” But he made no move to leave. 

“How’d you get here?” Cas hadn’t heard a car pull up. 

“Uh, walked?” Christ. Cas opened the kitchen door and motioned for Dean to come in. He put on coffee and tossed his jacket back on the table. Dean was taking in the layout and mess of the kitchen. 

“Sorry for the mess, we weren’t expecting visitors.” Cas picked dishes up off the counter and dropped them gracelessly into the sink, which he regretted a moment later when Alfie poked his head into the kitchen. 

“Who’re you?” Alfie was pretty short, even for a freshman, and he looked even shorter next to Dean who was nearing 6 ft. 

“This is my friend, Dean.” Cas ran his hand behind his head and scratched his neck. “You should probably go to bed anyway, it’s getting late.” Alfie didn’t give any protest to that and shuffled to his bedroom. “Is that all you wanted to come here for?” Cas asked without turning to face Dean. 

“I don’t know.” Dean fidgeted with his lighter but continued, “I guess so.” Cas looked back and sighed, offering him a mug. “Do you live here with just you two?” Dean looked around for any signs of pictures or anything but found none. 

“Nah, I’ve got three other brothers. They won’t be back till late though.” Cas watched Dean take the mug to busy his hands, knuckles still raw from the other day. 

“I am sorry, I hope you know.” Dean’s eyes trained on Cas, his eyes, his lips, his collarbones peeking beneath his shirt. Cas’s breath hitched in his throat, itching for closeness. He had to remind himself that he hated Dean, but seeing his green eyes roll hungrily over Cas, it proved difficult. 

“I know.” Cas could hear his heart pounding in his chest, threatening to jump out. It was as if they both had the same idea and the pair crashed into each other, Dean’s free hand at Cas’s waist, the other setting the mug on the counter behind him before tangling itself in the nape of Cas’s neck. They breathed quickly, trying to stay quiet. Cas let his hands grasp at Dean’s shirt, pulling him closer like he did all those nights ago. Dean planted kisses along his jaw, and bit hungrily along Cas’s collarbone. Feeling the desperation and Dean’s heart pounding beneath his fingertips, Cas pulled back only inches from Dean. He was biting his lip, his eyes opened slowly at Cas’s hesitation, searching for a reason. And Cas bit his lip forcing a groan out of Dean’s throat that Cas smothered with his own mouth. The coffee sat forgotten behind them and the wind whistling through the yard. They both stopped abruptly, hearing car door slam shut from the front yard, announcing Gabriel’s return home. 

“Fuck! Quick get out!” Cas stumbled over himself pushing Dean out the back door before Gabriel could see. Dean is disoriented and trips grabbing onto Cas’s shirt, but quickly lets go wide eyed and ducks into the yard. “Wait here.” 

Cas quickly tries to compose himself and pretends to be doing the dishes, but he’s all red and his heart is pounding fast. He tries to think of things that are not Dean, like the school bus driver, and Walt Whitman, Rowena dancing closely with Gabriel is what does it and he is immediately disgusted. 

“Hey little bro, have fun?” Gabriel takes note of the dishes in the sink. “Hey thanks, I could’ve done them though.” 

“Eh it’s alright, I wasn’t doing anything better.” Cas sets down a stack of plates on the counter without facing Gabriel. He’s itching to get outside to where Dean is waiting for him. “Uh, can I borrow the car?” 

“Huh? I guess…” Gabriel trails off. 

“I’m just in the mood to go for a drive, that’s all.” Cas grabs a towel and wipes off his hands, grabbing the keys and his jacket before heading out the front door. Leaving Gabriel confused in the kitchen. Cas pulls his jacket tightly around his body and heads around to the back, ducking below the windows to avoid getting caught. He finds Dean sitting on the back porch, staring off into the tree line, a cigarette already lit between his lips. 

“Hey,” Cas whispers, placing a hand on Dean’s arm. Making him jump. 

“Sorry, didn’t see you.” Cas grabs his wrist and pulls him towards the front yard before standing up, Dean looks at Cas’s hand still gripping his wrist, he motions for the car. They pull off, cold air still flowing out of the vents. “What did he say?” 

“He didn’t, I don’t think he knew.” They sat in silence for a while, oldies playing softly on the radio. “Do you want to get food?” Hoping it would relieve the tension that filled the car. Dean stared out the window lost in thought. “Dean?” 

“What?” His eyes searched Cas’s face for emotion, “Oh, no I’m okay.” But he didn’t look away. The ride was quiet the whole way to Dean’s house, a faded green one-story, driveway empty of his dad’s car. Cas didn’t ask about it.


	7. The Motel Pool

Dean tossed and turned, settling for staring at the ceiling. Rain pounding against his window, the words idiot, dumbass, bitch, piece of shit, echoing in his head. He didn’t mean for that to happen. He wasn’t even sure he meant to apologize, but he started walking and ended up on Cas’s back stoop. He rehearsed what he was planning on saying. ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Alright see you at school!’ there was no way for that to come out smoothly he realized. Then there he was, his blue eyes trained on Dean, waiting for an apology. Against his better judgement, he had walked in the back door. Then next thing he knew he was watching Cas and aching to kiss him, his head was screaming GET OUT GET OUT. But he ignored his head and crashed into him again. Dean wasn’t a queer. That much he knew, he liked women. He liked Pamela. He pushed Castiel out of his mind, the thought of the other boy made him nauseous. 

He took a deep breath. Now Castiel is going to think that he likes him or something. God. He had to get out of the house, so he put on his boots and leather jacket and slid out his window. It was about two in the morning, but he couldn’t just lay around thinking. 

He wandered around in the dead of morning trying desperately to not think. He considered going to Benny’s house, but what would he tell him? It was one thing to kiss him accidentally when he was drunk, but last night was different. For starters, he didn’t have any alcohol in his system, Dean guessed he went over there half because of curiosity. 

On Monday Dean pretended like nothing had happened, he didn’t know what else to do. He saw Cas lean over his notes, exposing his collar bones, which he thought for sure was intentional. The boy’s crucifix hung loosely around his neck, and Dean saw the faint purple outlines on his collar bones where Dean had his mouth on him. He looked away quickly, feeling that someone would read his mind and know that he was the one who made those marks. Since Thursday, he hadn’t seen Pamela. He didn’t see her in the hallways or in group activities, as a matter of fact, he wasn’t sure that anyone in his friend group had seen her more than a few times. She had effectively removed herself from his life and took his silence at face value, as an ending. 

Tuesday afternoon, Dean hung out in the parking lot after school with his friends, goofing off and poking fun of Garth. Thanksgiving was this week, and they were blowing off steam before being stuck indoors with their families. At least, most of them would be with their families. Sam and Dean usually went and got takeout when John wasn’t home, and when he was, they sat in Deans room, playing cards and crunching on snacks from the gas station. One year, Benny’s family invited them over, it was a stark change in mood from what they were used to. The group of kids were already making plans for Saturday, so they weren’t stuck in the house all week, but no one’s house would be free of family. 

“We could rent some motel rooms!” Garth looked as though he had a stroke of genius, but it wasn’t a bad idea. 

“Wait a minute, we totally could though!” Donna looked to each of them, before settling with Benny. “You’re the oldest, you’re eighteen!” She smiled widely, and Benny groaned. Dean pitied him for being the only one who was eighteen yet, Dean still had a month and a half himself. 

“Fine. But we are pooling our cash together because if we are gonna need a few rooms, its not gonna be free. “ 

“Oh, and the one over by the interstate has a pool,” Jo added, “It’ll probably be freezing but...” 

Jody interrupted, “Wait, my cousin works there, I think they installed a heater last winter, figured it’d help with business.” They agreed on a plan and went their separate ways, Sam walking up to Dean as the other cars pulled off. The duo started off towards home, and Dean looked over his shoulder, he saw Cas standing with his brother, his eyes glued to Dean. Dean’s neck flushed hot and he turned back to Sam. 

Thursday morning, John pulled into the driveway, KFC in tow. The boys were watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, but having heard the impala they shot up, ready to bolt to their rooms. John opened the door and dropped the food on the kitchen table. Glancing at Deans hair and furrowing his brows. 

“Am I going to eat all this myself?” Sam shot Dean a quizzical look, “Hurry up, it’ll get cold.” Sam and Dean scrambled to their feet and saw him unpacking a bucket and digging into the rolls. “Grab some plates Dean.” They settled at the table; the boys almost confused at how normal John was acting. They ate in silence and Dean thought about what he would be thankful for, KFC for starters. He was grateful to have good friends, and Sammy. He even supposed that Castiel wasn’t so bad, which frightened him and made him glance nervously at John. Half expecting him to hear Dean’s thoughts and toss him to the street on principal. He stopped himself from thinking about Cas any further than that, worried that his dad would see right through him. 

Before long, the weekend had come. Benny had called ahead to book three rooms, the pair joined by a door. Dean told his dad he’d be staying at Benny’s and packed an overnight bag. They had invited around twenty kids and he was sure more would show up, but they weren’t all staying the night. Jo had gotten Ash to donate some liquor, and he’d take some off the top of her pay. She worked at the roadhouse as a waitress most days, but her mom owned the joint so she could usually get out of work when she wanted to. Benny pulled up to the house honking once for Dean to come out. Dean had convinced Sammy that he’d be okay and told him to behave so he didn’t have to come back. Leaves crunched underfoot as Dean walked to the truck, throwing his duffel into the floorboard. 

“I’m so psyched man, you brought your trunks, right?” Benny was drumming his hands on the steering wheel to the music. 

“Hell yea, especially since the pool is heated.” Dean leaned his head back against the headrest, “Who all’s coming?” 

“I dunno, Billie and I invited a handful outside ourselves, Kevin, Anna, Gabriel, though he might bring a brother or two, and I think Billie has a few underclassmen that are coming. Should be almost twenty.” Hopefully they wouldn’t get busted, if so, they could just say it was a birthday party for Kevin, only a few days off. Dean thought of Gabriel and if he’d bring Cas. He let himself think of him now that he was out of the house. Imagining his bare chest in the water, hair slick against his head. Didn’t sound like such a bad idea. They pulled up to the motel and parked out front of their rooms, Benny jogging to the lobby to grab their keys. Dean hopped out and grabbed his bag, walking to get a closer look at the pool. It wasn’t too small, and just out of eyesight from their rooms, which sat around the corner. Jo’s beater pulled up, Donna, Jody, and Garth in tow. They parked next to Benny’s truck and began unloading. Benny, triumphant jangled the keys before tossing one to the girls and one to Dean, before grabbing his own stuff and heading off to his single room. The girls and Dean and Garth’s rooms were joined by a door that they left open for the moment. 

“When did Benny say she would get here?” Jody hollered from the other room. 

“Billie had a family lunch or something, she’ll be here by six I think.” Dean shouted back, dropping his duffel bag on the bed at the far end of the room. Each room had two queens, bigger than any of them had at home. The height of luxury. It was nearing five thirty already and Garth decided he was going to go for a swim, followed quickly by Donna and Jo. Dean left his room and walked up the flight of steps, watching Garth and the girls disappear around the corner. He knocked on Benny’s door, not waiting for a response before pushing the door open. Their rooms were identical, but Benny had dropped his things on the floor by the nearest bed. 

“Hey Dean,” Benny looked up, “They have ESPN here, we are living it up.” Dean plopped onto the bed and threw his arm across his face, Benny just watched him. “What are you and Pam gonna do?” 

“I don’t know man, probably nothing.” He took a deep breath. Without looking up he asked, “Have you ever wanted to be with someone, different?” 

“Honestly, not really. Is there you’re thinking about in particular?” 

Dean hesitated, considering telling Benny what had been on his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to. “No,” Then Billie pushed the door open, effectively ending the conversation. “I’ll catch you guys later?” to which Benny nodded and Dean headed back downstairs. 

Around eight, more people had started showing up. A few of the kids had decided to stay the night after all, and the motel owners turned a blind eye to the party because at least they were bringing in business. Most of them had already gotten swimsuits, abandoning jackets and winter clothes in a pile in the rooms. Dean just sat by the pool watching them goof off and hide their alcohol from view. He was pleasantly buzzed, lazily watching the girls and guys alike. Gabriel walked up, alone at first but then Dean saw Cas jog up from the car. Cas looked around quickly before making eye contact with him. 

Before too long, a chill creeped into the night air, forcing some kids back home and some into the warm pool, avoiding getting out past their necks. Dean had long since pulled his shirt off and got in, splashing Garth and being careful not to get his hair underwater because of Jody telling him it’d turn green. Cas watched shamelessly, Dean’s broad shoulders glinting with water droplets, and his arms toned and pale. 

“So, I told him to shove it because it was none of his damn business! He’s not dating her!” Benny was telling a small group about his Thanksgiving. Noticing his distraction, Gabriel snuck up behind Cas shoving him into the water fully clothed. Benny had stopped his story to watch. 

“Ah fuck!” Cas poked his head up and grabbed Gabriel’s ankle, but he was one step ahead and dove in. But, unlike Cas, he had a swimsuit. “Dammit man.” He was soaking, his hair slick to his head and shirt suctioned to his chest. Damn. Dean reminded himself to thank Gabriel later. The teens busted out in laughter and started splashing each other mercilessly. Clothes tight against his skin, Cas hauled himself out of the pool teeth chattering in the cold air. Dean pulled himself out too, walking to where Cas stood, his own skin screaming in protest of the cold. 

“Do you have a change of clothes?” Dean asked, grabbing a towel from a nearby pool chair. 

“No. Didn’t figure I’d need one.” Dean threw the towel around his shoulders before grabbing one for himself. Benny just watched for sign of conflict. 

“Come on, you’re going to get hypothermia out here.” Dean started off towards his room, not bothering to check if Cas was following. They walked quietly, and Dean opened the door letting Cas into the motel room. “I have some clothes you can use.” He was almost whispering, pulling an old band tee and flannel tossing them onto the bed. “I’m not sure about the pants though.” 

“Thanks,” Cas had peeled his shirt off, his back to Dean. He noticed a pair of matching birthmarks on his shoulder blades and sat on the bed. Glancing at the connecting door, it was only slightly cracked. “Did you mean that the other day?” 

“Huh?” Dean’s train of thought interrupted, “What do you mean?” 

“That kiss.” Cas was still facing away from him, fiddling with his crucifix. “Did you mean it?” 

“I don’t know, I…” Dean’s eyes met Cas’s when he turned around, “yes.” His head was still humming softly from the alcohol, he couldn’t pull away. Cas walked over and had a leg in between Dean’s thighs where he sat, Cas's jeans still wet from the pool. Dean's breath caught in his throat, and he turned his jaw up to face Cas where he stood. “Cas,” Dean’s voice small and quiet. The other boy caught his chin with a finger and pulled him forward, kissing him. Dean’s hands grasped for something to hold onto, and they met Cas’s waist, where Dean’s shirt had risen up, exposing a sliver of skin. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Donna appeared in the connecting door before closing it quickly. The two jumped apart and Dean sprinted to catch Donna before she got away. He threw the door open and nearly fell into the room where Donna was hurrying to the door that led to the street. 

“Donna wait!” He called after her as she left. His heart was hammering in his chest, he bolted out the door, following her and catching up to her in the parking lot. “Donna I,” his voice cracked, “Donna that wasn’t what you think!” 

“It’s none of my business, really!” She threw up her hands but didn’t leave him. 

“I’m not,” 

“It’s okay, I am too.” She waited for a reaction, and he didn’t have one to give. 

“Huh?” 

“I uh, don’t really like men.” In her mind it had seemed fair, eye for an eye type of deal. Dean didn’t know what to say. 

“I don’t either.” His voiced waived, making her raise her eyebrow at him. 

“Okay…” 

“I mean I didn’t, this isn’t a thing.” He leaned back against Benny’s truck, running his face over in his hands. “How do you know?” avoiding her eyes, he realized he was still in his swimming trunks, towel abandoned in his room. 

“I didn’t until a few years ago. Then it clicked I guess.” She shoved her hands in her pockets and leaned up against the truck beside him. “Is this why you and Pam broke up?” 

“No, well not directly.” Dean was half naked and barefoot, but his face was still hot with panic. “You won’t tell anyone will you?” 

“I won’t if you won’t.” She looked off towards the pool. “Me and Jody, are kind of a thing. Since I know your person.” 

“He’s not my, person. It was an accident.” He ran his fingers through his hair and crossed his arms against the wind. “I’m not like that, if I was my dad would kill me.” 

Her face softened, “It’s okay.” They stood there for a few minutes before she continued, “I’m not going to keep you out here in the cold, I’ll see you later.” She pushed herself off the truck and walked back over to the pool. Dean let out a shaky breath and headed back to his room. Cas had put the flannel on over Dean’s T-shirt and was sitting cross legged on the bed, flipping through the channels. 

“What did she say?” Cas looked up from the tv. 

“She said she wouldn’t tell.” He didn’t tell him what she said about herself, Dean figured that was her business. “What’re you watching?” He flopped onto the bed next to Cas, head nearly in his lap, and sighed deeply. Cas ran his fingers through his blonde hair and Dean watched him, he looked good in Dean's shirt. 


	8. The Glittering Glass Shards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks, s*icidal thoughts and the works, Stay safe!

After that night at the motel, several kids had decided to stay the night. The roads were slick from cold rain and so they crammed themselves five to a room. Even though there were two queen-sized beds, the boys were sprawled across the room, one in each bed, two on the floor and one in the pull-out. Cas had settled for the floor as Gabriel took the pull-out and Dean and Garth had since claimed the beds. In the dead of night, Dean woke with a start, breath caught in his chest. At first, he didn’t know where he was, which didn’t help his panic. Awoken by the sounds of Dean’s heavy breathing Cas pushed himself up to sit, and seeing Dean on the bed with his head in his hands, he moved to join him. Dean jumped when Cas sat down next to him, this wasn’t something they did. 

“Scootch over,” Cas mumbled, “It’s freezing in here.” 

Dean hissed, “What are you doing?” Glancing around the room, but the other boys were still as death. He figured a train could run through the room and they’d not so much as roll over. Reluctantly, he scootched over, making room for Cas. 

“Are you okay?” Cas’s eyes were still closed, and he had pulled the covers up over his shoulders. Dean could smell the chlorine faintly on his skin, mixing with the smell of beer, which usually sent him into fight or flight but not now. 

“Yea, bad dream is all.” Their whispers barely heard by each other, and definitely not by the other three guys. “Sorry if I woke you.” As Dean laid back down, he felt Cas tracing circles into his forearm. His breath hot against his shoulder, Dean thought his heart might beat out of his chest. What if someone woke up and saw? It was bad enough that Donna had interrupted earlier. Dean soon felt Cas fall still, his breathing evening out with sleep and his hand heavy over Dean’s arm. He turned his head and traced the outline of Cas with his eyes, falling asleep to the lull of the other boy’s breath. 

By morning Cas had made it back to his spot on the floor, Dean wasn’t completely sure it hadn’t been a dream, but he was off to the side where Cas had pushed him over. He smiled softly to himself without thinking and waited for everyone else to start moving. 

When Dean got back home, he found Sam on the porch, his eyebrows furrowed, and hands tangled in his too-long hair. He stands up and rushes to where Dean has just arrived, Benny pulling off towards his own house. 

“Dean I’m so sorry, I tried to get to it before him, but he answered the phone and I am so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen!” He was rambling. 

“Sammy, what’s going on? What the hell are you talking about?” 

“The fight Dean, last Thursday, the school called. Dad picked up.” Sam looked at the ground. “I’m sorry.” 

“Oh.” Dean knew that he’d find out before long, it was only a matter of when. “It’s not your fault.” He said distantly. Knowing it would be worse to sneak in or just run off, his shoulders slumped, and he headed into the house. Anticipating the worst. John was standing in the kitchen, slamming drawers and kicking furniture out of his way. Handing his duffle bag to Sam, Dean walked in the kitchen, allowing Sam to run back to the bedrooms. 

“You. What the hell is wrong with you?” John’s face was pulled into a scowl, and liquor fresh on his breath. “Can you not fuck up one damn thing! At a school fucking dance?!” At this point Dean zoned out, allowing his body to sit on autopilot, imagining anywhere else. Distantly, he could hear John shouting profanity at him and shoving him around, but he did nothing to defend himself. He thought of the creek, water splashing gently over stones and crawdads squirming to get under a rock. A breeze would blow, rustling his hair into his eyes. From far away he could hear a lawnmower and felt the summer sun smiling warmly on him in between the tree’s leaves. Dean could almost feel someone behind him reaching out to touch him when John’s hand ran across his face like a whip. 

“Are you even listening to me?! God, you’re fucking worthless.” John leaned his head in, “You do know that don’t you? Fucking worthless.” With one last shove, John pushed Dean into the hallway and turned back to the kitchen. Muttering to himself the whole way. “Go! You’ve never been bothered to run before!” Dean flinched and made a beeline to his room, where Sam sat on his bed. 

“I’m sorry Dean.” Sam’s puppy dog eyes wet with tears. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” Dean pulled Sam into a hug and rocked back and forth, soothing himself just as much as Sam. 

“I can’t wait till you turn eighteen.” His voice quiet, “So we can leave.” Dean only nodded. 

That night Dean sat by his window, cold December air blowing right into his face. He pulled out a cigarette and stared off into the night. He didn’t even notice his hands were shaking as he tried to light it. Breathing in slowly, but not feeling much of anything at all. Even the cold air couldn’t shake this feeling. Subconsciously, Dean traced over the scars on his palms, the crescents mostly gone, and closed his eyes. He remembered Cas, the two of them huddled up in his motel bed but he let the memory evaporate in his mind under a wave of shame. He thought ‘He’s right, worthless.’ He ran his free hand across his face and saw the other shaking violently. His breathing ran quick and ragged, he couldn’t keep his hands still long enough to do anything but wrap them around his knees and wait it out. His cigarette lay forgotten on the windowsill, dying out. After what felt like hours he calmed down, he was exhausted and couldn’t even get up to lay on his bed. So, he leaned his head up against the wall and stayed there. 

The alarm clock buzzed at eight the next morning, and the cold breeze blew harshly against the side of Dean’s face. He groaned, his back sore from sleeping upright, and stood up to close the window. He let himself back down onto the bed and curled up, not even bothering to get under the blankets. 

On Monday, school went by fast, Dean didn’t pay attention in any class, and didn’t even hear his friends talking, though he is vaguely aware that they are. After walking Sammy home, Dean goes to the train tracks to clear his head. The leafless trees watch him walk past; a smoke clenched tightly between his teeth. His hands are shoved in his pockets and jacket around his waist, not caring that he is surrounded by cold. Everything that he has ever done wrong is swirling around his head, every fight with his dad, every moment he’s spent gasping for breath. When he gets to the train tracks, he takes a seat on the cold metal, just watching the things around him. The way the dead grass blows in the breeze, and how the cool air feels against his skin. A roly poly skittering past, and how blue the sky is. Reminded of Cas, his blue eyes trained on him. Dean could practically feel the smooth of his hips as they peeked from beneath his shirt. He looked at his hands and clenched his fists tightly. Silently hoping that Cas would just appear and take him away somewhere, anywhere. But he didn’t. He didn’t even give Cas a second look until this year, which he regretted, looking back on it. They never got a chance to talk, not really. Only stolen kisses in the off moments. Dean waited through another cigarette for the train to come through, but it didn’t, so he walked back home. 

“Dean, hey.” Cas called to him in the hallway, his voice softening when he saw him. “Hey, are you okay?” 

“Fine, why?” Dean didn’t even look up. He was focusing on the tile floor that would lead him to his friends in the cafeteria. 

“I just wanted to; do you want to go somewhere… more private?” He glanced around at the passing students. And Dean shrugged. Grabbing his elbow, Cas pulled him into an empty classroom. “I didn’t freak you out the other day, did I?” 

“Huh?” Dean finally looked up, noticing how his dark hair curled at his forehead. “Oh, no, you’re fine.” He remembered Cas curling up beside him in that motel and staying with him because he couldn’t sleep. 

“Then what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, just been a little out of it is all. I’m fine.” Cas frowned and pulled his brows together. 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“Why do you care? We have barely had a full conversation. It’s not like we’re friends or anything.” His fingers fiddling with his ring. 

He flinched at that, “Of course I care, you may not but I do.” Dean’s stomach lurched at the thought of Cas caring, but he continued, “And you wanna talk? Let’s talk.” Cas sat down at a desk, waiting for Dean to follow. The classroom was littered with empty desks, and no one would be back till the end of lunch. 

“It’s just my dad. He got, upset with me.” 

“And that’s why you’re not talking to anyone?” He watched Dean set himself down across form him. “It’s not hard to miss, Dean.” He never said his name like that. “I’m worried.” 

“I mean, there is other stuff… it’s everything I guess.” He ran his hands over his face, “My life, my family, me, everything is so fucking screwed up.” 

“I don’t think you’re screwed up.” Cas stared at Dean with those big blue eyes, which made Dean smile to himself. 

“Well thanks, but you’re probably the only person who thinks that.” 

“And if you wanted, you could stay at my place if you’re dad’s being a pain in the ass, Sam too.” 

“Thanks.” Dean could only stare in amazement that Cas cared for him like that. “I wish we could run away, not worry about any of this anymore.” Cas pulled him into a hug and held him tightly against himself. 

After a moment, “I have an idea; can I pick you up after school?” 

“Sure.” His face lit up, and he kissed Dean on the shoulder, making him sigh and lean his head into Cas’s. 

Dean watched him head back into the loud hallway, before following suit. He met Benny and everyone back at their lunch table, Garth wearing a ridiculous sweater vest that made Dean gag. They were all laughing and goofing off. He glanced to the other side where Cas sat with Gabriel, Anna and a few other friends that he didn’t recognize before sitting down in between Jo and Garth. 

“What took you so long man?” Benny unhooked his harm from across Billie’s shoulders and shoveled in a heaping pile of watered-down mashed potatoes from his plate, earning a gag from Billie. “Are you back on the prowl?” He threw a wink at Dean. Donna made no move to acknowledge the comment besides looking at Dean, Jody on the other hand looked at Donna and quickly changed the subject. He appreciated the effort, but it just made them look suspicious. Which, albeit, was ironic. 

All through lunch he could feel eyes on him, watching him joke with his friends, and seeing the way his shoulders shifted when he leaned to whisper something to Jo before erupting in laughter. He knew without looking that it was Cas. The thought crossed his mind that Cas did all of this because of pity, but quickly brushed it aside. After all, Cas only had a marginally better upbringing. In between a father that abandoned the six boys to fend for themselves and getting rumors about his sexuality all growing up before finally managing to scrape by to senior year, only getting bullied by one person for it… Dean. He still felt horrible about that night after the dance, but he resolved to make it up to him. 

Later that evening, Dean brushed the lint off of Sam’s button up and ruffled up his hair. “Aw my precious baby boy going on a date.” He clutched at his chest and mimicked a weeping mother. 

“Dean!” Sam quickly flattened his hair in the mirror and shoved him out of the way. “Will you be okay here?” He lowered his voice. 

“Oh yea, I’ll be going out with a friend soon anyway.” And Dean looked in the mirror at himself, the scar through his left eyebrow, and a faint outline of a bruise on his cheek. He ran his hands through his bleached hair, his roots coming back in darker than he remembered. 

“Okay well, be careful jerk.” 

“You too Sammy.” John yelled a be home by ten from the kitchen and headed into the living room, eyeing Dean once Sam had shut the door behind him. 

“You’re lucky I don’t shave your head. That hair makes you look like some sort of faggot.” He flicked a beer tab onto the side table and knocked it back, his stubble making him look even older than he was. His hands were still filthy from the garage today. Dean grimaced and headed out the door, careful not to slam it behind him. The last thing he needed was John dragging him back in to kick his ass. He pulled a smoke out of his pocket and sucked on it until Cas’s car pulled off on the street. The old car’s squeaky brakes making him chuckle. He threw his cigarette down, stomped it out and walked up to the car. 

“So where are you taking me?” He had been waiting for this all day and his curiosity was piqued. 

Cas eyes worked over his face and the exposed skin of his chest where his t-shirt hung loose, “If I tell you, then it won’t be a surprise will it?” Dean smirked and let his eyes wander over Cas as they drove. His jaw strong and quick as he talked about his day, and something Gabriel had said before he left. Dean didn’t even hide the way he was looking at him until Cas looked back. 

They stopped about 45 minutes out of town, in front of an old diner whose signs bragged ‘the best burgers in the Midwest’ They walked right in and were seated in a booth against the window. The owner paid them no mind as there was a rather rowdy group of men on the other side of the diner, giving the waitress hell. 

“So, how’s Sam doing?” Cas flipped through the menu and avoided the sticky splotches on the kids’ page. 

“Sammy’s good, he’s actually on a date with his girl right now” And it dawned on him that so was he. “He’s been pining after this girl, Jess since god knows when and he finally got the balls to ask her to the dance and I figure she had been waiting just as long as I was.” Cas watched him with fondness, the way he spoke about his brother like he was so proud of him. 

“Welcome to Foreman’s, sorry for the wait, what can I get you boys today?” The worn-out waitress had finally made her way to them, but they didn’t mind. They got some waters and a burger and fry each, trying to be extra polite to make up for the mongrels eyeing her skirt from the other table. 

“So, what about you?” Cas seemed to blink in surprise, “What about your brothers?” 

“Well, not a whole lot to say, I guess. Gabe is great as usual, teasing and poking fun all through life. Alfie’s stressed for finals, and Raph and Zach are working their asses off. I wish they didn’t have to, but it keeps the lights on and food on the table. I’m trying to save up some cash to go to college and get a good job so they can relax, but there’s only so much I can do right now.” Dean watched his slender fingers twirl his crucifix and his lips move against his words, he could kiss him right here. “We don’t talk about Luce. He’s in prison, still got a few more years. He kinda went… off the rails.” His eyes darkened at the mention of him, so Dean didn’t press for more information. 

They finished their burgers and ordered a slice of pie for Dean, but Cas ended up asking for a bite and then they might as well have gotten two. Finally, the group of men left, and the two boys tipped as much as they could spare before they made their way back to the car, receiving a grateful look from their waitress. 

“Thanks for tonight man, I had fun.” Dean said as they settled back into the car. 

“What makes you think my plans are finished?” To that Dean perks an eyebrow and his heart hammers like a drum. “Get your mind out of the gutter, not those kinds of plans.” As if he had read Deans mind. The back of his neck and his hears flushed with red. He turned on the classic rock channel on the radio and drummed along with his fingers. Dean watched the roads give way to the countryside and he tried to make sense of where the hell they were going before they stopped in front of an abandoned warehouse. 

“What are we doing here?” He asked, getting out of the car. He mumbled to himself “What in the hell?” At this rate he would’ve preferred the *other plans*. 

Cas led the way inside, ducking around old machinery, his hand tight in Dean’s ‘so you don’t lose me’. They ended up in a big room full of glass bottles and the floor at the far end covered in shards. 

“So, you brought me here to get tetanus?” And Cas let go of Dean’s hand just to hand him a bottle. 

“Throw it.” He smiled and picked one up for himself chucking it with all his might at the wall. The little glass pieces shimmering in the moonlight and tinkling against the shard-covered floor. “It’ll make you feel better, go ahead.” Dean threw his bottle and watched the glass explode into a million little pieces. The moon was shining right through the skylight, refracting beautifully all over the room, and dancing across Cas’s skin. It did make him feel a little better. 

The duo took out all their frustration and destructive energy out on the bottles, the many colors glittering onto their skin, catching Dean’s eye. Dean pulled him in and planted his lips firmly on Cas’s, making him drop a small jar at their feet, where it bounced and broke. This time, there was no urgency in their lips, Dean nibbled at his bottom lip and threaded his hands into the nape of Cas’s neck. Whose own hands rested on Dean’s hips, pulling him closer till they were pressed chest to chest. Dean stopped for a second and took in the sight of Cas, his eyes closed tight and the lights dancing across his face. He leaned back in and inhaled, kissing him softly from his lips to his jaw. He could smell the soap and aftershave on his skin where he put his mouth against his neck. Dean could feel Cas’s breath hitch against his mouth, his own hands gently outlining the seam of Dean’s pants where they met his stomach. The memory of the diner slipping quietly away as they grasped at each other, Dean’s hands playing with Cas’s dark hair and Cas running his hands along Dean’s waist which sent a shiver up his spine. 

“When do you have to be home?” Cas mumbled, head leaning on Dean’s shoulder. 

“God, I hope never.” There was an itch in the back of his mind, his father calling him a faggot, worthless, coward, but Cas made them dissipate, pushing his mouth on his.


	9. Sweetheart

Dean got back home around midnight, pushing the window open quietly, odds were that John had already passed out for the night. He had passed by Sammy’s window and knocked to make sure he got home alright; he made a mental note to ask about his date later. Cas had parked up the street and walked him back to his house, and then climbed in the window after him, not questioning why they snuck in instead of just going in through the front door. 

Cas looked around the room, eyes drifting from the posters on the wall to the pile of dirty clothes, that Dean quickly shoved into the closet. He pulled off his leather jacket and shirt and tossed them to the floor, setting on the edge of his bed, watching Cas. His thin silhouette against the light of the moon. He wasn’t tall, but he only stood an inch or two shorter than Dean. Cas dropped his coat onto the floor in a pile and kicked off his shoes, standing between Dean’s legs at the bed. He dropped his head down and placed a kiss on his lips, biting at Dean’s bottom lip. He sighed and leaned in, pulling in Cas by the shirt. Cas grabbed the back of his shirt by the neck and pulled it off, throwing it ungraciously to the floor with Dean’s. Dean shamelessly took in Cas’s bare chest, milky white in the moonlight and golden crucifix hanging delicately around his neck. And puts a hand against Cas’s stomach, kissing and biting at his bare collarbones. 

Dean worked him over in his hands and left a trail of hickeys across his collarbones and neck, and Cas bit at his shoulder. Leaving less obvious marks, ones that wouldn’t get him strung up by his friends at school tomorrow, unless he had his shirt off, which he was silently grateful for. He pulled Cas closer, watching his blue eyes gaze hungrily over his body. Cas’s hands fumbled underneath his waistband and pulled at the fabric, glancing upward into Dean’s eyes for permission. Dean palmed at Cas and lapped hungrily at his chest, barely taking his hands away long enough to pull his jeans off. Cas followed suit and got to his knees, kissing the inside of his thighs as he went. 

The fridge door slammed shut with a bang in the kitchen made them both freeze in fear. Dean was too scared of getting up to lock the door out of worry that they would hear it and try to come in. There was shuffling in the hall and then he heard his father’s door click shut. Then silence. Cas noticed the fear on his face, knowing where half of his bruises and black eyes had come from without asking. Dean’s eyes and ears still trained at the door, he felt Cas put a hand on his chest to calm him down. 

“Do you want me to lock the door?” Cas said, his voice barely a whisper. Dean only nodded, staring still at the crack under the door, just waiting for John to barge in and catch them. They would be exposed if he did, both of them in just their boxers, clothes strewn across the floor and faces flushed with heat. 

Cas padded over to the door and slowly, quietly, clicked the lock. “He can’t get you now.” He wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders, pulling his face into his chest, “You’re safe.” Dean hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until Cas pulled him into his arms. He knew he didn’t deserve this. He pulled Cas in and wrapped his own arms around Cas’s middle, the hunger in his eyes that was there a moment ago was now replaced with sincerity. Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and climbs into bed. 

Cas rubs circles into Dean’s back until he falls asleep. Pulling him closer and watching over him as his chest rises and falls. He looks so calm. 

Dean is vaguely aware of Cas getting up and dressed, he rolls over and glances at his clock. 4:26. 

“Go back to sleep.” He kisses Dean on the shoulder and slides out the window, shutting it gently behind him. Dean falls asleep before he can miss the warmth of Cas’s legs tangled with his and his arm slung across his waist. 

Dean wakes up the next morning and rolls out of bed, unlocking his door and starts the shower. Praying the water is hot. He sees himself in the reflection and his eyes catch on the hickeys on his shoulders and where his shoulder meets his neck. Dean meets his own green eyes and frowns. Who he sees in the mirror isn’t a faggot. He can’t be. Shame creeps hotly across the back of his neck and he gets in the shower, the water hotter than he would prefer but he doesn’t change it. He scrubs harshly at his skin, as if trying to erase something imbedded. And gives up to wash his hair. 

“Hurry up Dean! I need in!” He snaps out of it and rinses off quickly throwing a towel around his waist and rushing to his room before Sam can stop him to ask about the marks on his chest and shoulders. He throws a t-shirt on and makes sure everything is covered before throwing on a flannel and his leather jacket. He sits on the front porch to wait for Sammy, knowing he wouldn’t have enough time to get a smoke in before he came out. 

“Heya Sammy, how’d your date go?” Dean elbowed Sam as the were walking to school. It was only a 10-minute walk, Benny had offered to take them, but it wasn’t too cold just yet. 

“It went really good actually, we went to O’Malley’s here in town and then got shakes.” 

“You did pay for her, didn’t you?” Sam rolled his eyes. 

“Of course, I’m not as dumb as you think I am. I had some money saved up from mowing lawns in the summer.” He shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. “You should tell Benny to drive us soon. It’s too cold.” 

“We’ll live for right now, a little walking never killed nobody.” He saw Sam’s nose pink from cold, “I’ll ask him.” 

“And I thought you were going out with a friend last night?” Dammit. 

“I did.” Dean was hoping they would get to the school before this so he could dodge him a little easier. 

“Oh, I see, a ‘friend’” Sam waited for him to tell him anything about who he was with, but he didn’t. “Who is she?” Dean groaned. 

“No one. Mind your business.” He picked up the pace. 

“Aw come on. I’ll tell you what happened with Jess if you tell me!” 

“Oh no fair I was absolutely dying to know!” Dean feigned disappointment. “No.” 

“Oh fine. Well Jess and I kissed anyways. How do people like kissing?” He scrunched his nose and blew hot air into his hands. 

“Just wait till you’re older, and you’ll get it.” He remembered Cas’s mouth on him and blushed deeply. “Man, it’s cold.” And he rubbed his cheeks, blaming the blush on the cold. They walked the rest of the way, just listening to Sam go on and on about Jess. Finally, they entered the school and Dean could shove his head and push him into his first period. Thanking god for the peace and quiet. 

“Dean! Hey man, my parents are gonna be out of town this weekend,” Benny started, “It was gonna be just me and Billie but if you wanna come and bring, your girl then you can come and I’ll see if Jo Garth and Donna want to come, make it a party.” 

“I don’t know,” He ran a hand across the back of his neck. “And I don’t have a girl.” 

“Oh, yea totally. Neither do I.” Benny chuckled and rolled his eyes. “You don’t think we’ve all seen you these past few weeks. You barely pay attention and are always looking somewhere else.” He leaned in and looked around. “I just gotta know, are you and Jody becoming a thing or do you have the hots for Anna?” 

“Huh?” Dean was dumbfounded. “You’re kidding.” 

“No man, Me and Garth have bets going, I need to know!” He leaned back against the lockers outside of first block. “You and Jody were acting weird at lunch yesterday when we brought it up, but you keep looking back over towards Anna and Gabe’s group. Though I guess it could be Hannah…” He murmured that last bit under his breath, and he looked past Dean, eye brows shooting up. 

“Someone tell Gabriel it’s finally happened!” Benny said, and Dean turned to see where he was looking. And he saw him. Castiel. Fuck. “I thought that sorry son of a bitch would never get any. I wanna know who though, whoever she is she went crazy on him.” Dean saw the purple marks on Cas’s neck and the trail disappeared under his shirt. He had tried to wear something that would cover it, he had a collared shirt, but it wasn’t enough. Dean knew where the marks ended. 

“Damn.” Dean managed to choke out. “I wonder who did that.” His stomach felt hot and he pushed certain images from his head. 

“Ha, I bet you’re wishing you were him right about now.” Benny rambled on about his grandparents and how Christmas was soon, and his parents were taking his little sister with them so he’d need to know if he could come. Dean was turned back to Benny, but he wasn’t listening. He nodded along and mumbled something about seeing what he could do and headed into first block before the bell rang. 

Cas sat at his seat in English with his head down, ignoring the whistles from the back of the class where a few of the football team guys sat. Dean internally punched himself for making it so obvious. He was almost proud but more than that, embarrassed. Jo whispered to him all through class, more thinking aloud than anything about Castiel and his new wild thing. But she eventually moved on to see if Benny was doing anything since his folks were out of town. 

“Hey, you’re kinda friends with him, right?” Jo asked, startling Dean from his thoughts. “Do you know who it is?” 

“Oh, I don’t know. We aren’t really that close of friends.” He fidgeted with his ring below his desk. 

“Oh. I figured since you helped him out like that at the motel, whatever. You’ll tell me if you do though?” He could only nod. He had forgotten about the motel. Fuck. Once again, his thoughts ran rampant and he could only imagine how everyone knew about them. Cas avoided eye contact all class and tried to keep his head down at school, most kids didn’t care, but the nosy ones watched him as he passed before whispering to their friends. 

At lunch Dean could see Cas’s group positively buzzing with excitement. Gabriel shoving him in the side and everyone in a mile radius could see the jealousy on Hannah’s face. Dean couldn’t help but laugh. Benny watched him and Jody closely during lunch, looking for any clues until Billie nudged him in the side. 

“So, what do you guys think about this weekend? Just us?” Billie started, “We could get some beer, maybe watch movies or play some games like we used to in middle school.” 

“I’m down! As long as there’s no spin the bottle,” Jo faked throwing up, “We haven’t had just us in a long time.” 

“Haha, fine but no promises!” Benny gave Billie a sloppy kiss on the cheek, making her groan and wipe the slobber off with the sleeve of her sweater. 

“Alright, you got a deal.” Billie said, “Dean, can you come?” 

“Eh, not sure.” He hesitated, “I’ll talk to Sammy, make sure he doesn’t have anything going on with his girlfriend.” 

Jo gasped, “Girlfriend! Thank god, it took him long enough! I figured we be in our sixties before he made a move!” 

After school, Cas caught Dean by the elbow and dragged him off to the side of the school. 

“Dean, are you fucking serious?” Dean let out a nervous laugh. 

“What’s wrong Cas? Did something happen at school today?” He couldn’t even keep the shit-eating grin off his face long enough to finish his sentence. 

“My friends were on top of me all goddamn day, they won’t leave me alone about it!” He pushed his fingers through his own hair. “Because someone couldn’t keep their mouth to themselves.” 

“I wonder who that could be.” Dean felt a twinge of guilt but pushed it aside to laugh at Cas. “Come on, can’t be that bad. Let me see.” Dean pawed at Cas’s collar, unbuttoning the top two buttons and looking at his work. 

“I ought to kill you.” Cas grumbled. Dean saw the dark purple marks littering the base of his neck and collarbones. 

“Hey, at least these ones are covered!” He joked, the ones on his neck weren’t nearly as bad. Thank God. “Well, sweetheart, I gotta go.” He froze at the nickname and hoped he sounded smooth, Cas didn’t seem to notice, and just buttoned his shirt back up. Dean waved and headed back to the front of the school to find Sam.


	10. Piece of Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: physical and verbal abuse

“Hey Sammy, I’m going over to Benny’s. I’ll be back later!” Dean swung the door shut behind him; cigarette already lit as he walked out the door. Things weren’t as bad as they had been at home lately, Dean was itching for it to last a bit longer. His black boots scraped against the ice-littered sidewalk; the sun was already on its way below the houses. Finals had ended out the semester and Dean had done fine in most of his classes, and the ones he hadn’t he’d be taking again in the spring. The spring was always a mad dash for shop kids to get all their credits just so they could graduate. He wasn’t trying to be on the honor roll. Things weren’t too shitty. Christmas was on Wednesday and all he had to do today was show up and get drunk. And by some miracle Donna had invited Gabriel and Castiel, and Benny didn’t question it. Still, only Donna and Jody knew about the two, but Gabriel was cool, and he fit right in. And you couldn’t have just one of the brothers. So, he kicked a rock and pulled his jacket tight against the wind. 

When he pushed open the front door, a wave of music and chatter hit him. Jo and Garth had already had a few drinks and were talking loudly and laughing louder in the living room. This was his favorite thing to walk into, so he picked up a cup and fit right in. He watched Garth lose an arm-wrestling match against Benny, which was not surprising. Benny lifted weights and Garth was built like a spaghetti noodle. He knocked back the last of his first cup and headed to the kitchen for a refill. 

“Hey, so what’s up man?” Benny met him in the kitchen, “Anything in particular you’re trying to do over break? Get with any chicks?” His breath smelled like bourbon, but he wasn’t drunk by any means. He grabbed a handful of chips and swallowed them whole. 

“Naw, I’m just trying to make it to my birthday. I’ve already got a few tattoos in mind. I haven’t been working at the garage every now and again for nothing!” He motioned to his bicep and started explaining his tattoo ideas. Filling his cup again. I’m thinking about a black band right here, and maybe I’ll get something on my back eventually.” 

“For tonight, I’m just planning on getting drunk and getting lucky.” Benny chuckled and clapped Dean on the shoulder on his way out of the kitchen. Donna brushing past him to meet Dean. 

“Hiya Dean!” Her cheeks were pink from the alcohol. He noticed her northern accent usually was more noticeable when she drank. “How’re you doin’?” She reached for the vodka, pouring a few shots into her sprite. 

“I’m actually pretty great, tell you the truth. How about you?” 

“I’m doin’ great. Oh! Was that you?” She leaned in and whispered, her eyes wide. 

“Was what me?” Dean was swaying with the music. 

“Castiel’s neck!” She giggled and looked back towards the living room. They were in the clear. “Oh, please tell me it was!” 

He couldn’t cover it up, “Haha, maybe.” The two busted out laughing, both of their heads fuzzy with booze. “God it was so funny, you should’ve seen him after school.” 

“Did you see Hannah’s face; she was practically fumin’!” The front door opened and in rushed Gabriel and Cas, the cold air bitter behind them. “I can’t believe it though! You two, people were whisperin’ about his wild girlie!” She kept her voice quiet, but she couldn’t help the excitement. 

“Thank fuck for alcohol.” Gabriel hollered from the living room and grabbed a beer, the energy of the party shot up. He always was perfect in a party. His jokes always landed too. 

“Go get him!” Donna pushed Dean into the living room, almost sloshing half of his drink out of his cup. He locked eyes with Cas and gave him a once over. God, he looked good. Dean grabbed a bottle for Cas and handed it to him, glancing at his neck and the marks that were fading all down to his collarbones. He had given up on trying to hide them but not on keeping Dean a secret from his friends. Dean remembered how soft hearted he was and threw an arm around Cas’s shoulders. They had a taped football game on the TV and Gabriel was chatting up Jo, to no avail. They chattered about their Christmas breaks and what they’d be doing with their families. Jo was already trying to make plans for New Years. The group went on like this for a few hours, before pulling out the board games and someone had mentioned strip-poker. None of them were really sure what the rules had been decided as. 

The kids drank their fill, some more than others. Jo and Garth ended up having to stay the night, Garth had passed out before the rest of them even started to head home. Dean’s head was spinning like a top and he was sure his fingers had fallen off because he couldn’t feel them, but he watched Cas move to grab his things, and he wished he could grab him right here and now. He remembered the other night and grinned. 

“Jesus Christ, someone keep an eye on Dean!” Jo yelled, making herself and Dean wince from the volume. He swayed to the music, though he wasn’t sure what song was playing. He reached for his almost-empty cup but it was snatched away in a chorus of no’s. 

“Aw come on, you’re no fun!” He hugged Donna and Jody on their way out, and they hugged him right back, giggling at his state. Donna latched her arm in Jody’s, and they drove off. Dean started towards the door but stumbled over his feet and fell, Cas caught him by the upper arm, he was stronger than he looked. Dean looked into his blue eyes and patted Cas on the face. 

“Woah, you’re not going to walk home like this are you?” Cas asked, his head swaying in Dean’s vision. Man, he was going to be feeling this tomorrow. He laughed, straightening himself out, but not pulling away from Cas. 

“I am completely sober.” He said steadily, before erupting in laughter. 

“Here, I’ll take him home.” Benny moved to take his weight off Cas. Dean felt his hands tighten around him, still holding him upright. 

“No, it’s alright, I can take him. I’ll be driving anyways.” Benny eyed Dean, who was willing his eyes open at this point. He could barely make out what the hell they were saying. “It’s no problem, really.” Dean barely remembered falling asleep in the back seat, nodding his head to the radio. 

Dean woke back up about an hour later, in the back of Cas’s car. Gabriel had long since been dropped off. “Where are we?” Dean pushed himself up and leaned over the console. 

“Oh, you’re awake. I was just driving, didn’t want to wake you.” Cas glanced back at him, making Dean’s stomach flip, which was not a good thing for it to be doing after having so much to drink. “We’re almost in your neighborhood anyways. Are you feeling a little better?” 

“Yea, are you dropping me off?” he asked, climbing into the front seat. 

“Unless you don’t want me to.” Dean didn’t have to say anything, and Cas knew. He stared out the window. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and it was eating him from the inside out, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to stop but he saw Cas and… that was it. Especially after the night at the factory. Cas pulled off a few houses from Dean’s and shut the car off. He hopped out and walked to the other side of the car, pulling Dean out by the hand. He had already looped a hand around his waist when he realized that Dean could walk fine now, he seemed to have slept some of it off. Cas himself only had a beer or two hours ago he was more sober than Gabriel or Dean could’ve hoped to be. They stumbled past the front yard and opened the window, shushing each other the whole way. Dean fell into the room, followed by Cas, who had already pulled his coat off, dropping it on the floor. Dean pulled himself out of his outer layers and flopped into his bed, Cas’s shirt lay abandoned in the pile of clothes. Dean pulled him in close. 

Cas leaned in and kissed him, Dean could taste the beer on his lips and the bourbon on his own. He pulled him in closer and wrapped his hands around Cas’s middle, running his fingers along his spine. Cas pulled himself onto the bed, lips glued to his when the door slammed open. Light from the hallway spilling onto the floor. 

They froze. They had forgotten to lock the door and they were sitting damn near on top of each other, limbs a tangled mess and reeking of booze. And there was John. Cas stumbled backwards off the bed and onto the floor, blinking furiously into the hallway light. Trying to make sense of it. He looked for the words, any words, and backed up against the window. 

“Cas go!” Dean yelled at him, his eyes wide with fear. He was praying to anyone who would listen that John wouldn’t touch a hair on his head. Cas threw a worried look back at Dean before grabbing his shit and falling out the window. He looked wide eyed back at Dean in panic before bolting back to his car. Dean threw his arms up to protect himself right as John started in on him. 

“You stupid son of a bitch! I will not have a FAGGOT living under this roof!” John’s hands swung furiously at Dean, pulling him out of bed and throwing him to the floor. Dean couldn’t do anything but keep his arms in front of his face. “You’re fucking USELESS! If you can’t even do this one thing right, then I guess I’ll have to beat it out of you!” And he did. Dean felt every kick land in his stomach, and he swore he heard a crack. John yelled about how worthless Dean was as a son, and how he wouldn’t raise him to be a ‘fucking fairy’. John finally yanked Dean’s arms away from his face and landed two hits, one in his eye and the other across his cheek. Dean’s eye started to swell almost immediately, and his stomach was threatening to expel all the alcohol he still had in his belly. He screamed about how disgusting Dean was. His head was still pounding from the liquor, and now from pain. He tried to imagine anywhere else, but his focus stayed right where he was, in the floor bleeding all over the carpet. He couldn’t even scream.


	11. Happy Holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic injury details

“Stop it! You’ll kill him!” Sammy ran in and was pulling at John’s arms to stop him, but he just flung him away. “You piece of shit!” He grabbed Dean by the arm, “Get the hell out of my house!” John grabbed his clothes from the floor and threw Dean out on the front yard on his ass, chucking his clothes out after him. Dean felt the dew wet grass against his bare back and listened to John’s screaming from outside the house. It was a wonder the cops hadn’t been called. 

Dean’s hands were shaking violently, from cold or panic he couldn’t tell, as he tried to pull his clothes back on and lace his boots up just enough to walk without tripping over them. He tried to pull himself up, but it sent a sharp pain through his chest, catching his breath, which amplified the pain. He was gasping into the cold night air, and agonizingly pulled himself upright. He stumbled back towards Benny’s, praying that Sammy got to his room. He didn’t have a coat, or socks, just his t-shirt, jeans and boots. He couldn’t stop himself from throwing up into the neighbor’s yard, completely emptying his stomach until it hurt. ‘I deserve this’ he thought, and pulled out his cigarettes which, thankfully, hadn’t been lost to his bedroom floor in the struggle. Eventually he stumbled up the front walk of Benny’s. 

He pushed the door open and remembered that Billie, Jo, and Garth were also here. Fuck. This really isn’t something he wanted to announce to half their friends at once. He stumbled into the living room waking up Jo. 

“Huh?” Jo sat up where she lied on the sofa, “Holy shit!” She nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw the state of Dean. He was heaving and his face was bloody, and he was sure he had bruises covering every inch of his body, at least that’s how it felt. “Dean what happened?” Her voice was more urgent than he’d ever heard her, and apparently Garth too because he shot up, and at the sight of Dean rushed to his side to hold him up, unfortunately bumping against where Dean was sure he had a broken rib, and he gasped against the pain it sent all through his side. 

“Jo- go get Benny quick!” Garth yelled and loosened his grasp on Dean, noticing how he had gasped when he grabbed his side. Jo shot a worried look at Dean and ran up the steps. Garth led Dean over to the kitchen so he could get a better look at what was going on. “Dean what happened?” He couldn’t get out any words in between his gasping breaths. 

Jo came down the steps, Benny and Billie almost on top of her trying to see what the hell she had woken them up for. They screeched to a stop in the kitchen doorway when they saw how Dean looked in the light of the kitchen, which shone painfully into Dean’s not-swollen eye. 

Benny rushed to his side at the kitchen table, “What the hell happened?” His eyes worked over Dean, seeing the cut on his forehead, the glaring black eye, and purple bruises on the backs of his arms where he had thrown them up in defense. They had never in their lives seen him beat up so badly, even after Benny’s years of growing up alongside him and watching him get into more fights than he can count. Tough, nonchalant Dean Winchester was hunched over his kitchen table, beaten to a pulp. 

“My dad.” Dean’s voice was hoarse, and he hadn’t stopped shaking. He stood up and rushed to the kitchen sink to throw up the wave of nausea that had overtaken him, but nothing came up. His side hurt like a bitch and was pulsing in a way that made him want to throw up more. 

“Should we call an ambulance? Or the police?” Billie watched Dean dry heave into the sink, wincing at the sound. 

“No! Please don’t!” Dean almost shouted, “Please.” His eyes, well eye, was full of panic. “Don’t call anyone.” He didn’t let go of the sink because he was sure if he did, he’d start shaking again, and just wouldn’t stop. But Benny and Garth sat him back down gently at the kitchen table, as though they were afraid he’d shatter. 

“Billie, you took a nursing class, right?” Jo’s voice was ripe with panic. 

“Yea! Uh yea but I don’t know if I can fix this!” She closed her eyes and cleared her head. “Benny go get the first aid kit, Garth get a cold rag, and Jo, get some painkillers because this is gonna hurt like a bitch.” Dean couldn’t even focus his vision, but he could feel Billie wiping at the blood on his face, careful to not hit his eye. He could feel his hands shaking fiercely but he couldn’t stop them no matter how hard he tried. Billie had his face cleaned up as best she could without touching his eye and turned back to the other three with a look that Dean wasn’t sure what it meant. 

“Wait he hurt his side!” Garth added, “I held him up earlier and he hurt his side.” Dean couldn’t hardly lift his arms over his head without wincing, and Benny helped him out of his shirt, tossing it to the table. Jo sucked in air with a gasp and Garth’s mouth dropped. Even after what she’d seen at the roadhouse after a long night, Jo couldn’t believe how horrible he looked. He had bruises littering his chest and stomach, not to mention his arms. His ribcage was swollen where Garth had grabbed him and his hands were shaking, touching lightly over the bruises. 

“He could have a broken rib.” Billie whispered. “We have to take him to the ER.” 

“No. We aren’t going to the hospital. I… I can’t afford it. I’m fine.” Dean grimaced when his hand grazed over his ribcage. “It’s just bruised.” The other four looked at each other, not knowing what to do. Dean knocked back a few painkillers and leaned back in the chair, hissing in pain at the pressure on his back. He furrowed his eyebrows and closed his eye against the light. 

“Dean, what do you want us to do?” Jo watched him breathe deeply, his hands still shaking. 

“Nothing. Just go back to bed. I’ll be fine.” Garth, Jo, and Billie all went into the living room, talking quickly and quietly between themselves. Dean looked up at benny, “I’m serious man, don’t call the police.” 

“Man, you’re all kinds of fucked up!” Benny started and then lowered his voice, “He beat the shit out of you and you’re still protecting him?” 

“Of course not! I’m protecting Sammy, and I’m protecting me! You don’t know what it’s like to be taken from your house and dragged to a group home Benny! I do!” He shook his head. “I’m doing my best, and I swear to god if you call the police, or the hospital I will never forgive you.” Benny lowered his head and rubbed a hand over his face. 

“Fine.” 

On Monday, Dean waited until he saw his dad leave for work to go back to his house. He pushed the front door open and walked in, scaring the shit out of Sam, who was fixing breakfast for himself. 

“Dean!” Sam ran up to him, and threw his arms around him, sending a shock of pain from his bruised ribs. “I’m sorry, what happened? Where did you go? Are you okay?” Sam couldn’t stop the questions from spilling out. 

“Heya Sammy.” He steadied his breath, “I’m fine.” Sam eyed the injuries on his face, luckily the ones on his chest, stomach and arms were hidden, Benny had given him a hoodie. “I was at Benny’s.” 

“Why did dad do that? What was he talking about Dean?” Dean guessed he had heard most of it and he didn’t want to lie to his little brother. 

“He, uh, barged into my room. A buddy of mine was helping me out because I was drunk.” He ignored Sam’s reaction to that, “I, guess he got the wrong idea. Listen, don’t tell anyone about what he said… or did. Okay?” 

“Dean,” He hesitated, “Dean I just saw him kicking you and then he threw you out into the yard.” He didn’t have to say it, Dean knew he was scared. 

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Dean looked for any bruising or sign of injury. 

“No. He just kept yelling, and I went to my room once he threw you out. You laid on the grass so long I thought you might’ve died.” 

“Ha, I would only be so lucky.” Dean pulled him into a hug, careful not to have him close to his right side where he had the bruised ribs. “I’m okay Sammy. Listen, I can’t hang around here when he’s here okay? I’ll be staying at Benny’s though, and you know how to get there.” Sam nodded, and Dean headed for his room to gather up some clothes. His eyes froze on the patches of blood on the floor. He felt every kick and hit land, and he started shaking again. Dean threw some clothes in a duffel, grabbed his leather jacket and some cash from his top drawer. To Sam’s disappointment, Dean headed for the door, giving Sam a light smile and holding on tightly to the straps of his bag to steady his hands. 

He pulled the door shut behind him and lit up a cigarette walking towards the drugstore. Grabbing a few more packs of cigarettes and throwing down some bills Dean left and made his way back to Benny’s. 

“Dean, you smell like smoke.” Benny frowned. “You can take the basement if you want. My parents will be home later today, and I’ll try and figure out what to tell them. 

“Thanks, Benny. If you don’t want me here, tell me, I know it’ll be a lot to explain.” 

“Dean, I’m not gonna throw you out on the streets. My mom’d have my head for it anyways.” He chuckled lightly, “So, are you gonna tell me what happened?” 

Dean cleared his throat, “No, I… can’t.” Benny sighed. Making his way down the steps to the basement, Dean grabs the banister and chokes back vomit. He tosses his bag to the floor and sits on the old couch. Laying back he remembers the summer they thought they’d be artists and sketched over the wall down here. And he remembers the party, and Cas. He forces that thought out of his head and hears ‘useless, stupid, faggot, piece of shit, waste of space, poor excuse for a son’ and clenches his eyes shut. His right eye was still swollen, and the purple had deepened, the cut on his forehead still bled when he furrowed his brows, and he thought his side might explode if he took too deep a breath or laughed. John’s words were burned into his memory. 

Thankfully, Benny’s parents had let him stay, even though it was Christmas. He was sure they thought he was good-for-nothing but if they did, they didn’t say so. So, he decorated cookies with them, and took the family photo for them, kindly refusing to be in it regardless of a timer. He figured his shiner wouldn’t look good on a Christmas card. Dean hated not seeing Sammy on Christmas but if he walked back in that house, he wasn’t sure he’d make it out alive. The Lafitte’s had gotten him a few gifts, to his dismay, but they had every year since the fifth grade. Before long, the grandparents would be joining them, so Dean excused himself to the basement. 

Later that night, after Benny had enough of his family, he came down and talked about it. Careful to not mention Dean’s family. They played on the new game system Benny had gotten on the basement TV and Benny had gone back upstairs. And just like that, Christmas was over. 

Around ten the doorbell rang, and Mrs. Lafitte called down the steps for him. Dean climbed upstairs and turned the corner, expecting to find Sammy, he instead saw Cas. He was standing at the doorway, a trench coat hung loosely around him. Dean blinked past him, hearing John’s insults echoing in his head and reverberating through his bruises, making them pang with pain. 

“What do you want?” Dean’s voice was hollow, and it made Cas’s stomach twist. 

He looked towards the kitchen where Mrs. Lafitte was cleaning up, Mr. Lafitte and the kids were upstairs assembling a new gift. “I came by on Sunday.” Cas said dumbly. 

“I know.” 

“I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” He looked over Dean’s cuts and his eye and remembered hearing the hits land before he even turned the corner of the house. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Dean, please talk to me.” He pleaded quietly, “I’m sorry.” This was all his fault, if he hadn’t taken Dean home, he would’ve been fine. 

“For? It was my mistake.” 

“No, Dean, please don’t do this.” Cas bit down on his bottom lip, restraining from pulling into Dean like a wave to the shore. “Dean,” 

“Goodbye Castiel.” Dean opened the door for him and saw the hurt in Cas’s face as he turned back on the porch steps. He had never called him Castiel. Mrs. Lafitte caught Dean before he went back into the basement. 

“Dean, honey, who was that?” Her voice was like honey, like how he had imagined his own mother’s. And in every way that he figured mattered; she was like his mom. 

“No one.” She sighed and crossed her arms. 

“Dean, you aren’t going to be able to hide in that basement forever. We love having you here but can’t sink into the floor and disappear on the people who love you.” She squeezed his arm and gave him a smile. And he walked back downstairs.


	12. Three. Two. One.

Cas walked down the front steps of the Lafitte house and sat in his car. Numb. He didn’t know what to say or what to do to get Dean back. He had stared right through him, whatever John had done, he broke Dean. Cas pulled out of the driveway and sped off in no particular direction, he just had to get away. He should’ve done something when John burst in, he should’ve pulled Dean with him, something, anything. Cas’s mind hadn’t stopped racing since Saturday night, Benny had turned him away on Sunday, not knowing anything past the fact that Cas was the one who delivered Dean to John. He didn’t know that it was because of Cas that happened to him. 

“FUCK!” Cas yelled at the road, he yelled at John, he yelled at God himself. He had been so foolish to believe anything good could come from any of this. He should’ve ignored Dean in that field or told him to go away. He saw his eye, the gash on his forehead, and he knew that he probably had bruises all across his freckled skin. Damnit. Gabriel hadn’t heard what happened to Dean, no one did except for the people at Benny’s, Donna and Jody, and himself. 

Cas was at a loss. 

________________________________________

Dean tossed and turned all night, trying desperately to drive the image of Cas out of his head. All of this was his own fault, John’s words rang through his head for what seemed like the twelfth time today. Fuck. From the beginning, it was Dean’s fault. He was the one who initiated everything. And now he was paying the price. He couldn’t even roll over without a sharp pain shooting up his side. It was around two and he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t even properly toss and turn. 

New Year’s Eve was coming up quick and Dean had gone back to see Sam a few times, and had been stopped twice because of the Impala parked out front. Billie had offered to have a New Year’s party at her place, her parents would be at some fancy party, and her little sister was spending the night at a friend’s. 

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Benny said, pulling Dean aside. “It’s up to you.” 

“No, I’m not gonna be a buzz kill over nothing.” Dean ignored Benny’s frown and stepped onto the back porch, pulling out a smoke and lighter. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and let the cigarette warm up his lungs and cheeks. He stared at his palms; the faded semicircles not as faded as they used to be. He was clenching his fists too tight more than he realized. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed into the night. He forced himself to think of anything besides Cas, or his father. Ignoring the insults rattling around in his head. He remembered what Mrs. Lafitte said about disappearing on the people who cared about him and ran a hand over his face, gingerly avoiding his eye. 

Dean and Benny climbed into his truck, snacks in hand. Deans faded blonde hair was spiked up at the front and he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, covering up the bruises along his arms that still hadn’t faded. Benny popped in the Zeppelin Cassette tape and turned it up, watching Dean carefully out of the corner of his eye. He noticed Dean wasn’t doing so hot. He hadn’t been getting much sleep, or much to eat, and wasn’t talking a whole lot. Not that he’d be too far off himself if his dad beat him half to death. Before too long, they pull into Billie’s driveway. 

“Hey Billie!” Benny gives her a peck on the cheek and Dean tightens his lips and sticks a hand up 

“Hey.” Dean can feel the way they watch him and he fucking hates it. “Can you two stop looking at me like I’m a kicked puppy?” 

He runs a hand behind his neck and walks in, greeting Donna and everyone. No one really notices Dean’s black eye, and for once he is goddamn grateful for his reputation. He’s had more than anyone’s fair share of them, so no one looks twice. He sees a new girl, someone’s cousin, and walks over to introduce himself. She’s a quiet, giggly little thing with stick straight blonde hair. Not his type. But he puts the moves on her. Getting her a drink and asking about her family, what she does when she’s not with them. He lets his eyes work over her on their own accord. 

“Heya Dean,” Donna walks up, noticing where the conversation is going, “Can I borrow him for just a sec?” She doesn’t really wait for a nod from blonde giggly Megan. Donna grabs him by the forearm, making him grimace against the soreness, and pulls him into the back room. 

“Dean, I’m going to ask this once.” She takes a breath “What are you doing?” 

“What does it look like?” He just stares at her, “I’m talking to a girl at a party, are you going to grab Garth or Kevin and ask what they're doing too or is it just me?” 

“Dean, you know what I’m talking about. I heard what happened with your dad. Is that what’s going on.” Dean’s face went to stone and he swallowed, she had struck a nerve. 

“Donna, don’t you dare bring this up to me again.” And with that, he turned on his heel and headed back to the party, chugging down another beer before continuing to talk to Megan. Donna could only watch it happen. Not too long after, Gabriel and two of his brothers walked in. Cas among the ones who came. Dean pointedly did not look up at him when he entered, rather, leaned in closer to Meg, breathing in her cheap flowery perfume. And trying not to choke on it. Instead of walking up to Cas and throwing his arms around him, he pulled in Meg closer and took a shot. He hated the way she smelled, and her laugh flittering around his head. He started to get nauseous at how overwhelming it was and excused himself to the restroom, where he drank greedily from the faucet and pushed his sleeves up, splashing cool water on his face. Fuck’s sake. He saw how he looked in the mirror when he wasn’t putting up this confident ladies’ man routine. He looked like shit. His eye was a muted purple, his hands shaking and sweaty, the bruises on his arms making him sick to his stomach. He avoided throwing up and sat on the edge of the bathtub, head in hands. 

“Dean?” He heard a voice mumble from outside the door before pushing the door open softly. He scrambled to pull his sleeves down and wipe his face off, it was Cas. He closed the door behind him. “Hey,” He glanced at Dean’s arms, only half covered by his sleeves, “Oh god.” He grabbed his hands before he could pull away and dropped to his knees. “Dean I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault.” Dean saw the crucifix missing from his neck. 

“Cas,” His head shot up at his name, “It wasn’t your fault.” Dean stared down at their hands, feeling both calmed and panicked. His father’s voice singing in his head, but he looked up at Cas and melted. “It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Dean, I’m sorry I left. I should’ve stayed, helped, something.” His voice cracked. 

“No.” His breath caught in his throat and pulled Cas around him, putting his arms at Cas’s waist so he wouldn’t get his ribs hurt in the process. He pushed his face into Cas’s neck, breathing in the aftershave and soap, and tears brimmed his eyes. “I didn’t want you to get hurt too.” 

Cas didn’t say anything for a long time, he just stood there, feeling Dean’s breath steady out and his heart stop pounding. “Please don’t ever go away on me again.” Cas said it so softly, that he wasn’t even sure he’d said it aloud. They waited a moment and Dean cleaned himself up before heading back out to the party. It was eleven fifty and the teens were gathering around the TV waiting for Dick Clark and the countdown. Dean pulled Cas through the crowd, ignoring Megan as she watched him leave, and outside onto the back porch. He pulled him in and looked up at the stars, they heard the countdown loud from inside. 

The stars shone softly against Cas’s face, his sea blue eyes staring up at him. Dean cupped Cas’s jaw in his hands, gazing over every inch of his face. The kids in the living room had started counting down from ten. They didn’t know, but Donna had seen them exit to the back porch, smiling to herself and pulling Jody in closer. Dean glanced back towards the house and pulled Cas closer, as if he was afraid he’d slip off into the night if he didn’t hold him here. He slid his hands to their spot in the nape of Cas’s neck. They both leaned in until they were breathing in the same air, lips brushing gently together. 

“Three!” Cas shut his eyes tight. 

“Two!” He could never wait for one, his lips crashed into Cas’s like it was the only thing that mattered. 

“One!” Cheering rang out from inside the house, noise poppers going off, they couldn’t hear a thing.


	13. The End

“Hey what’s this?” Dean’s hand reached around on the floor, grabbing a small brown wrapped package that had slid out from under his seat. 

“Oh, it was your Christmas present.” Cas stared straight through the windshield. “I brought it when I went to see you at Benny’s.” It had been about a month and Dean had moved back into his own house, and it seemed like John had left for good. “You can open it if you want,” He pulled off to the curb in front of Dean’s house and turned to face him. 

Dean’s face lit up in curiosity, “Really?” Cas nodded with a small smile. He unwrapped it carefully, lit up by the streetlights. The necklace falling out of its box and pooling into his open hand, the thin gold chain attached to a small round symbol. “What does it mean?” 

“It’s a charm, supposed to keep you safe…” Cas’s face flushed red and he picked at his fingernails, waiting for Dean to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he threaded his hands around Cas’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“Thank you.” He smiled into the kiss. 

At his birthday, his friends gathered around, Cas among them, beaming. He blew out his candles, wanting nothing more than what was right in front of him. Cas had become a fixture in their group after such a short time, partly due to Dean and Donna insisting he be invited the first few times, and everyone else warmed up to him soon after. He filled the space beside Dean seamlessly. John left shortly after Christmas, and still hadn’t been back. So, Dean went back to living in his house, figuring he still had a few weeks before he’d show up again. Him and Sam settling in like they always did, Cas stayed there more often than not. Sam was just glad to see Dean staying out of trouble, regardless of who for. 

It didn’t take Dean long to get his first tattoo, and his second one not long after that. 

April finally came, bringing with it the rain and John Winchester. The three boys were watching a movie in the living room when he walked in, John stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Dean’s arm slung across Cas’s shoulders. Dean met his eyes and stood tall. 

“Get out.” He had decided months ago that he wouldn’t let John keep doing this. They were the ones keeping up jobs and school, paying the bills and moving on. They weren’t going to let John keep coming back and fucking everything up. 

“This is my house. And I thought we ‘discussed’ your issue, so what is he doing here?” John’s voice went sour at the image of Cas in his house. You could almost feel the tension in the room with your fingers. 

“You haven’t been here. You haven’t been the one paying the bills, John.” Suddenly, Dean got a wave of confidence that he never had when speaking to him. 

“I’m still your father. I won’t be ran out of my own house by a couple of fags.” Dean scoffed. 

“You aren’t my father, and you aren’t Sammy’s. I had to be. I had to do everything around here, you were too drunk to keep your head on straight. I was the one teaching Sammy to ride a bike, I was the one fixing meals that you couldn’t be bothered to make. It was me.” He took a deep breath. “I never got to be a kid, I had to do everything.” He walked up to John, only a foot away now. “So, get. Out.” John raised his hands to strike him, and huffed his chest up to yell, but he never got the chance. Dean punched him hard in the jaw and shoved him out the way he came. Cas and Sam stood up, rushing to Dean’s side. 

Dean clenched his hands but let them fall limp when Cas put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Don't.” Before John could regroup to unleash his anger on them, they closed the door in his face, and locked it. John stood there for another thirty minutes, yelling and pounding on the door before getting in his car and driving off for good. Dean listened to the rumble of the impala and pulled Cas in tighter on the couch where they sat. Cas looked up at him and was proud. 

That May, Dean, Cas, and all their friends graduated. Throwing their caps into the air. Dean never thought he’d make it so far, let alone graduate. Cas was over so often that they had decided that he should just move in, though both Sam and Dean made a deal to not let him make the food, it never turned out quite right. But it always made them laugh. They settled into a routine, Cas crawling over Dean to go for a run in the morning, and Dean up and making breakfast by the time he got back. Sammy still had three more years of school before he graduated but he was settled on the idea of going to law school. So, Dean worked at the garage and saved every penny, planning to move to California with Sam and Jess, and he didn’t have to ask Cas about going with, he would’ve gone to the ends of the Earth so long as Dean was there. 

They lay in bed one night, Dean on his side, tracing his eyes along the other boy’s profile. “Cas?” He didn’t open his eyes, and instead breathed a ‘hm’. “Thank you.” 

“What for?” His voice soft and deep, tempted by sleep. 

“Everything.” He pulled his face into Cas’s arm and gave it a peck, “You saved me.” 

To this, Cas opened his eyes, eyelashes fluttering lazily in the dark room. “I love you.” And pulled Dean closer to himself. 

“I love you too.”


End file.
